HALIFAX, N.S. — It is with minor and just-saying-it-to-be-polite sadness that the Mackerel announces the passing of our former editor-in-chief, Sam Creighton.
Creighton was 24 years old when he passed and he regularly spent his days performatively reading feminist literature and using bot accounts to fuel a rivalry between the Dalhousie Gazette and the Watch Magazine.
At the very least, we can say that Creighton died doing what he loved: getting viciously mauled by the Dal Tiger.
The attack that resulted in his death unfolded in the Student Union Building around 3:17 p.m. on Sept. 5. Eyewitnesses say Creighton “never stood a chance” and his attempts to fight back were “honestly a little pathetic.”
While foul play is not officially suspected, it is rumoured by many that the tiger mauling was an inside job.
“Whether the tiger was put up to this by a commerce student sick of being used for headlines, Dalhousie University administrators hoping to silence a vocal critic or a Mackerel writer eager to usurp the throne, we cannot say,” said one journalism student who believed this passed for news.
While the instigator behind the attack is still unclear, Creighton once offhandedly mentioned to the Gazette, “If I ever die in a shenanigans-related incident, it was Jacob Waldner.”
It is truly impossible to know what he could have meant by this.
Related: Letter from the editor: a new chapter for the Mackerel
In light of recent budget cuts, Creighton will neither be buried nor cremated. Instead, his skin will be turned into furniture for the basement’s Gazette office. The editorial team will be hosting a craft night next Thursday as they decorate Sam-skin lampshades and chairs.
We at the Mackerel are sure it would bring Creighton the utmost joy to get so much attention post-mortem. Even though he wanted to meet Dolly Parton in heaven, we all know he didn’t make it up there.
Before his passing, Creighton shared his final wishes in life, hoping that the Mackerel readership would see them through. The list was as follows:
- Go to the gay strip club in Grand Theft Auto VI
- Unmask the Dal Pisser
- See Kim Brooks headline Osheaga
- Catch the mouse in his kitchen
- Join a show choir with Roman Catholic eunuchs
- Reboot Glee
After sharing his final wishes, Creighton uttered his last words:
“Full story… coming soon.”