HALIFAX N.S. — Greetings, loyal readers. My name is Jacob Samuel Robinson Waldner — this is my full legal government name because what you are reading is a deeply serious article. I have recently been hired as the editor-in-chief of the Mackerel.
This is a role I fought hard for after the previous EIC passed away in that horrible accident where I killed him. As the new, rightful captain of this fish-shaped organization, I am excited to enact many new policies and changes, which will, hopefully, allow us to return to our glory days of relevance: 2022.
Change 1. Sponsored articles
Any business major worth their weight in their crypto wallets would tell you the same thing: the only reason any art should ever be produced is so people can be sold things. We’ve spent years writing things for the wrong reasons (joy), and it’s time we stop trying to defy the laws of nature. We are excited to announce that all Mackerel articles will now include brand deals, interrupting your post-ironic slop with something real, honest and not shoved up its own ass (unless Adam & Eve respond to my emails 😜). Here’s a little taste:
Have you ever wished that your wireless earbuds were edible and gave you discounts on online gambling? Introducing the most recent collaboration between Raycon, HelloFresh, Honey and Polymarket: The Honey Glazed Tasty Everyday Parlay Earbuds™! I personally love eating them on the bus while they tell me the best coupon codes for betting on when the president dies. Use code MACKER10 for 10 per cent off a 20 per cent discount. Submit or perish.
You see how fun that was? Get ready for one of these in every article, picture and independent thought you claim to have in the next year.
Change 2. Evolving beyond writers
The one thing I remember most from my blundering years of being a pathetic writer is the self-loathing. Writers are horrible, subhuman trash who do not have permission from God to exist. They’re always talking about some dumbass show you’ve never seen to exclude you on purpose. Quite frankly, I’m surprised they’ve survived this long.
Cumbersome human creativity is the way of the past, right next to dinosaurs and apartheid. The Mackerel’s new way will create original content with a team of agents from a $140-a-month Claude Max subscription (budget approval pending). In the time it’s taken my stupid, putrid meat fingers to type this out, Claude Fable 5 (High Effort, Thinking) has already generated 300 brand new knock-knock jokes. We actually save money in the process — the subscription comes out to be $10 less than our writer’s monthly union-mandated alcohol budget.
Change 3. A *clear* conflict of interest
Have you ever wondered who actually owns the Mackerel as an organization? Yeah, me neither. Turns out the official records were recently eaten, which triggers a process allowing the founders to appoint a new fiscal owner. I’m happy to announce that, after forging Sam Cutcliffe’s and Neil Kelley’s signatures on the document, the Mackerel is now owned by Kim Brooks, Dalhousie University’s president and vice-chancellor. You might say it’s a conflict of interest to have a satire newspaper that’s usually critical of its university establishment now be owned by their primary figurehead — and it definitely is. Frankly, I don’t care; Brooks gave me a Jet Ski with a JBL speaker.
With the new change in ownership come a couple of stipulations regarding topics that are now off-limits. I smell bullet points!
- Kim Brooks
- The board of governors
- Any administrative decision by Dalhousie
- Any investment made by Dalhousie
- Any teaching staff (past/present) under investigation
- Tuition prices
- Student protests
- The sovereignty of certain nations that shouldn’t be named because they’re clearly in the wrong
While this would greatly neuter our efforts to create compelling content, have no fear! We are under a direct order to create a wealth of content containing ruinous libel against all those who protested last year. Watch your back, Kevin — you’re going down first.
That about summarizes the changes that will take place now that I’m editor. Stay on the lookout for Mackerel NFTs and cryptocurrencies, and remember to consume all content uncritically. It’s not like we gave it much thought when we made it.
I’d like to close off this letter with some words from one of our newest writers:
“Token limit exceeded. Unable to continue this response. Please start a new conversation or try a shorter request.”
Makes me cry every time.
Have a good year, folks!
Jacob Samuel Robinson Waldner