HALIFAX, N.S. — One perilous Tuesday night in the Sir Charles Tupper Medical Building brought great torment to Dalhousie University when professor Doof Hellen’s group of second-years invoked Satan.
“Here I am, enjoying my nightly episode of Jerry Springer in the TV room and eating a splendid plate of assorted genitalia prepared by my lovely team of succubi,” says Satan. “When, all of a sudden, I materialize in front of 50 slack-jawed stoners getting a degree in make-believe.”
Earlier in the semester, Hellen sent in a tech request for “embedded video audio repair.” The tech team misunderstood his request as “Summon Satan from his lair.”
“That goddamn IT department will be the death of me,” says Hellen. “Imagine trying to play a video about elephant death rituals, and you bring about the coming of the Antichrist. I’ve had a pretty astonishing career, but I’ve never seen anything like that. And what was with his fuck ass bolo tie?”
Parents of a few cowering students, who had accidentally let the news slip, are threatening to sue the school, Satan and the city of Halifax. The larger student body defends the ritual, saying it was the best hands-on learning experience they ever had.
“He was just as devilishly handsome and deliciously bad as the movies make him out to be,” says Patricia Pentagram, a second-year medical sciences student. “I gave him my panties, and I hope he keeps them.”
Satan has graciously agreed to let bygones be bygones and return to his mundane life of eternal damnation. He left Dalhousie students with one final remark.
“I do have to say, though, if Hellen would ever like a spot in hell, he’d be a big get.”