HALIFAX, N.S. — “How do we make religious studies fun again?”
Dalhousie University religious studies dean, Christopher Cross, posed this question in a meeting with other faculty heads. Kim Brooks, suggested a more theatrical approach to religious education.
“I saw a Druski skit where American church pastors do super sick wire stunts during church service,” says Brooks. “If this brings more money to the university, I’m like ‘hallelujah!’”
Arriving in private jets and Lamborghinis, the pastors hired by Dalhousie made their 14-day holy pilgrimage from Texas to Dal campus.
The congregation includes billionaire pastors Kenneth Copeland and Joel Osteen, who were recently found stranded at sea after their life raft from Epstein’s island was swept away by Hurricane Ian in 2022.
Copeland says his congregation will benefit the Dalhousie and Halifax communities.
“I’ve got three words for you,” he preached with a backing gospel choir. “Money!”
In the beginning, the small size of Dal’s existing religious studies program proved a difficult change of pace for many of the pastors.
“We’re used to preaching to thousands of dumb whities at once,” says Osteen. “Now we’re just teaching to a handful of broke students. How are we going to get paid?”
To compensate them, all students will be required to pay a 10 per cent tithe at the end of lectures. According to a Mackerel insider, tithe earnings will be allocated for a holy crusade against Saint Mary’s University.
To accommodate the classroom sermons, the Dalplex was initially gutted of all exercise equipment. However, it inevitably ran out of space as there was, unsurprisingly, no cap on enrolment. There are plans to address this deficit.
“We’re in the process of declaring a new holy site on campus — complete with line array speakers, smoke machines and a Jesus-themed roller coaster,” says Dalhousie Student Union priest Rubare Denaro. “It shall be constructed on top of the Student Union Building and will also feature a second Tim Hortons for Iced Capp baptisms.”
For those interested in new classes or just need immediate repentance from sin, here are some of the newly offered options:
- THTR 1103: Intro to faking exorcisms on stage
- MUSC 2301: How to write lyrics like Kanye West
- RLGN 1101: Cardinal sins and how to loophole them
As of writing, many megachurch pastors are under investigation for a crypto pump-and-dump scheme involving students in the commerce program. Investigators allege that Copeland and Osteen rug-pulled “Chri$tCoin” and stole millions from eager business students.
Whether this investigation will lead anywhere, God knows. Peace be with you.