HALIFAX, N.S. — Dal Innovates has recently come under scrutiny after accepting an alumni project, BMWatch, into the Lab2Market Launch program.
BMWatch founder and Dal alumnus, Justin Feculence, says the project is ready to take off after partnering with Dalhousie University’s hub for entrepreneurship and innovation.
“There’s a huge market for menstrual trackers — it’s a $2.5 billion industry,” says Feculence. “There’s a bunch of different variations out there, such as straightforward trackers like Flo and more artsy trackers like Stardust that tell you what spells your vagina can cast.”
Feculence believes the current market for menstrual trackers is far too restricted to those who menstruate and that men should be able to conduct genital magic too. The project aims to disrupt the period surveillance industry by developing an all-inclusive tracker usable across the gender spectrum.
“If we can end the existing discrimination and tap into the other half of the population, we can double the potential user base,” says Feculence. “With that, it’s safe to say I am singlehandedly creating a $5 billion industry.”
BMWatch, known colloquially as “Flo for poop,” lets users log their day-to-day colon activity with a familiar interface. Despite being in open beta, it already has a robust feature set. This includes tracking matter exiting — or entering — the anus, scanning the physical characteristics of bowel movements and monitoring spice intake.
This groundbreaking forensic capability is paired with a fully-fledged social platform that redefines human connection. Users can share their poops with other users and — with the power of generative AI — poops can share reels with other poops.
“It’s the best thing on my phone,” says user Sophie Bottleneck. “It wasn’t until using BMWatch that I realized I’m actually fully constipated — like completely constipated. I haven’t pooped in months. I might die soon.”
Another user, Oliver Covington, says the app helped save his three-week talking-stage.
“I honestly thought the flame between me and my three-week talking-stage had faded,” says Covington. “It wasn’t until I looked her up on the poop app after Thanksgiving and saw that we were shitting on the same schedule that I realized it was time to lock in and get serious. I think we’ll invite the CEO to our wedding.”
After a viral social media post announcing BMWatch had been accepted into the Lab2Market Launch program, students responded in disbelief that an app about shitting had just earned at least $10,000 in funding.
“What I am creating here is on par with Facebook — no, it’s way better than Facebook,” said Feculence in a statement over claims that his app is a joke. “If Jesus Christ were a phone app, he’d be BMWatch. I will not rest until my work literally creates world peace while also making me a lot of money.”
While Dal Innovates did not respond to the Mackerel’s request for comment, it’s speculated they likely heard “$5 billion industry” and shit their pants with excitement.