HALIFAX, N.S. — Election season is officially upon us, and like any good news publication, the Mackerel is right by your side offering unbiased electoral coverage that should nudge you to make the singular right decision.
The fight for self-determination has taken the national stage many times this year. This includes Québec and Alberta considering their independence from Canada, and also whatever the fuck Saskatchewan is doing. The call for revolution has now reached the dark, angsty corner of campus known as the University of King’s College.
Students are preparing to vote on one of the most fundamental questions pertinent to Canadian history: should King’s claim its independence or continue to be known as Dalhousie University’s weird kid sibling who has to come because mom said so.
The decision for this new referendum comes after years of mounting frustrations from the community, who have to invoke Dalhousie’s name as a landmark for anyone to know where the hell their campus is.
For many students, the final straw happened last week when a visiting parent remarked how cool it is that Dalhousie’s drama department was able to convince a whole community of students to stay in character 24-7.
While technically considered an independent institution, King’s is no stranger to this existential crisis. The two universities have been effectively considered the same since time immemorial (a.k.a. 1920-something).
Aside from their close proximity, the two campuses also share a timetable, regularly swap classes, offer joint degrees and trade students to meet quotas for societies and clubs.
So for a campus whose entire personality is being philosophically morose, asking, ‘Who are we?’ is nothing new. But this time, it will be put to a vote.
King’s will fully secede from Dalhousie if the referendum is passed. Modifications would include banning eye contact between Dalhousie and King’s students, enforcing a minimum 3-meter separation at all times, and requiring that discussions between campuses be held to reach a diplomatic ceasefire with a neutral third party present. Failure to comply will result in immediate exile to Saint Mary’s University.
“We’re our own people, man,” says Hugh Donahugh, a sixth-year King’s student of poems and affairs. “If I’m wearing shoulder-length gloves and wheeling a rolling backpack, you should know where I come from. I didn’t write a 40-page think piece on Pokémon fanfiction to be mistaken for a Dal student.”
The push for independence has also been fuelled by years of libel from particular satire newspapers determined to expose the college’s archaic and really fucking weird customs.
Benjamin Starpedo, a history of acting professor at King’s, says “a little independence” would be good for students.
“Honestly, I didn’t expect them to take it this far. Normally they just confront their feelings over a few cigarettes and a Chappell Roan song, but this time they formed an electoral board.”
The newly formed King’s Independence Party has already begun outlining its vision for an independent community, including a new flag, national hymn and a moat around the school grounds.
One student, granted anonymity due to safety concerns, asked how resources will be split if independence is gained.
“I support independence in principle, I want a school song as much as anyone else, but if I have to walk another eight minutes to find a printer, we need to consider what we’re fighting for.”
The last King’s referendum was held in 1860, when the student body voted by show of hands. This year’s referendum will follow much the same steps with one exciting modern innovation: women and non-binary students can vote too.
As the campus waits with bated breath to learn the outcome, the Mackerel can only wonder what awaits on the other side of independence. Will the newfound sovereignty inspire delusions of grandeur, military expansion or a growing desire to invade Studley Campus? Will they begin exporting their surplus of literature only to the United States?
Regardless of the outcome, one thing remains certain: if the King receives independence, it will be free to make its own decisions, so long as Dalhousie approves them first.