HALIFAX, NS — After having a bylaw passed forcing the business hours of Triple A Convenience and Pizzeria to end at 1 a.m., owner Kirk Peetsa knew something had to be done to save the business.
When The Mackerel asked Peetsa how he felt about the forced closing times, he had this to say: “90 per cent of our business comes from drunk university students at night. Don’t get me wrong, the other 10 per cent comes from drunk university students during the day, but we can’t afford to lose the late night crowd.”
To avoid this loss of profit, Peetsa allegedly decided to open a speakeasy to continue selling pizza after the convenience store closes. To access the speakeasy, one must approach the front counter and recite the secret code. According to a reliable source, the access code is “I’m a greasy little donair boy.” Only once this code is recited, the staff will guide you to the back fridge, which opens into the speakeasy. However, if you give the wrong code, a pressurized jet filled with donair will spray you as if you are getting slimed at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.
“It’s like walking into a time machine,” said Garb Marvin, who was in attendance at the speakeasy. “Cigar smoke filled the room, flappers were dancing all around, everyone had to wear a slightly tilted fedora, there was nonstop smooth jazz playing. The Roaring ‘20s are so fucking back, baby.”
However, when The Mackerel asked Peetsa about the speakeasy, he denied its existence. “Who do you work for? Are you with Waye Mason? The police? There’s no speakeasy here. Even if there was, it would be completely off the record. You don’t even look like a greasy little donair boy,” Peetsa said.
It appears the only way to discover if the speakeasy exists is to try the secret code and see what happens.
By Sam Creighton