HALIFAX N.S. — The King’s Students’ Union announced they will host KingsFest in competition with DalFest.
The event was conceptualized for students at the University of King’s College who do not want to pay for a ticket, do not enjoy loud music and do not believe in having fun.
Hosted the same night as DalFest, the event will be headlined by the King’s College Chapel Choir, who will perform an identical setlist as the Beaches, but as an Ancient Greek opera. Audiences will be forced to participate in the performance, lest they face the disapproval of Neil Robertson, the Foundation Year Program’s director.
“We look forward to your attendance,” declared a representative from the KSU. “Those who will not be making an appearance or showing their face at any competing events on Sept. 11 will be publicly executed.”
Tickets are pay-what-you-can; all proceeds will go towards the board of governors’ bonuses. A circulated poster advertising the event states that admission requires a non-perishable, gluten-free, vegan, ethically sourced snack from a pre-approved list curated by King’s dining services. Snack acceptance is on a first-come, first-served basis. If attendees choose to bring a snack that has already been accepted, they will be denied entry and promptly expelled. There is, however, a mulligan possibly for those who have physical evidence that they are bisexual.
Dress code is alternative-renaissance attire with one KSU representative stating, “Think William Shakespeare meets Berlin underground. God, I’m so high right now.”
A pop quiz on Virgil’s Aeneid will be included in the night’s festivities. The winner will receive a $5 gift card to King’s Co-op Bookstore, where it can be used with a purchase totalling $25 or more.
After the choir’s set, the night will conclude with a blood oath to Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel led by classics professor Eli Diamond.* The blood oath will be followed by a serving of cookies!
The event will shape up to be the night of one’s life, but only if their current life is incredibly boring.
*The University of King’s College is not a cult.