HALIFAX, N.S. — Since 1882, the song “Carmina Dalhousiana” has served as one of Dalhousie University’s school songs. However, students could be forgiven for not knowing this fact — even seasoned ones — because no recordings are available online or on streaming platforms, let alone any TikTok dances associated with it.
After the administration read all of this on the Dalhousie Wikipedia page, they put together a committee. They decided to host auditions to find local talent that could replace the previous song with something more modern. A reporter from the Mackerel was allowed to sit in on these auditions.
Enfield, N.S., rapper, Classified, was the first artist on the call sheet. He performed an altered version of his 2009 song “Oh…Canada” titled “Dal…Housina” and rewrote the lyrics to talk about how “Divestment isn’t actually that important.” The committee saw straight through his blatant pandering and rejected him, leaving him to rot in obscurity.
Halifax native Sarah McLachlan auditioned second. While her reputation as a generational talent precedes her, no amount of Juno Awards could save her from being outshined by a local 15-year-old with a ukulele doing a cover of “I Will Remember You.”
Nova Scotia’s former energy minister, Marco MacLeod, auditioned fourth. MacLeod’s history with rap music as a white man born in New Glasgow, N.S., is now more documented than ever. With the recent resurgence of his four-track E.P., he figured it was time to see if he could give his rap career a second chance — he told the Mackerel this was the real reason he resigned.
Unfortunately, MacLeod’s performance was interrupted when Swedish legend Yung Lean broke into the room and roughed him up for biting his flow. While Lean received a standing ovation for his actions, he is unfortunately not an eligible candidate.
The fifth and final contestant was former president Deep Saini. Reportedly bored at McGill University, Saini returned to Halifax to rekindle an old fling who happened to be a member of the committee. His performance, which was presented to the committee as authentic, turned out to be him lip-syncing to an AI-generated song by Suno. This, unfortunately, would be the end of both his music career and his situationship.
After the contestants cleared and the committee discussed, they decided that none of the performers were compelling enough to write the new school song for Dalhousie. But they had a contingency plan: The committee has put together a trap remix of “Carmina Dalhousiana,” to be performed by Pitbull.
They reportedly had this in their back pocket from the start of the process but still decided to host auditions anyway because they thought it would be funny. The song has been released on digital streaming platforms and is projected to get one billion streams in its debut week.