HALIFAX, N.S. — In March, Dalhousie University unveiled the brand-new campus arena christened the Oulton-Stanish Centre. What they failed to disclose to the public is that this arena was built on top of a colony of rats that Florida Panthers forward Brad Marchand lovingly considers his family.
Earlier this week, Brad was seen tunnelling under the rink to visit these family members, two of whom we ethically captured for an exclusive interview.
When contacted by the Mackerel, Brad declined to comment on either the colony’s relation to the Oulton-Stanish Centre or the fact that he had just committed property damage.
“Well, Marchy said that, all things considered, it’s not bad for our new home,” says Roddy Marchand, Brad’s beloved cousin. “The ice is apparently as rough as a bad trip on salvia where you’re stuck as Brady Tkachuk’s neglected LeapFrog Learn to Read. But we’ve managed to dig some nice tunnels.”
When asked about how he felt now that the rink was in use, Roddy says the new guys “aren’t all that bad.”
“Sure, I don’t love being kept up by two commerce bros pounding into each other, but I am sure that it’s an experience most students can relate to.”
After considerable bribery using delectable, hopefully unimportant, papers from the Department of Biology, Ratko Marchand obliged to share more on the family ties.
“Brad’s my cousin; I first taught him to skate in Hamsters Plains way back in the day,” said Ratko. “I’m glad that the whole hockey world recognizes him for the rat he truly is. It warms this little rodent’s heart.”
After the interview, both rats were released and retreated back to tunnelling under the rink, definitely weakening the foundations. This will probably result in another eight years of construction on campus, but the Marchand family seems not to care, for why should a rat care about the enduring woes of Dalhousie students?