HALIFAX, N.S. 一 In an exclusive Mackerel interview, the new Dalhousie University mascot sat down with our chief campus correspondent, Sam Quint, to discuss why he even exists. Here’s a full transcript of the recorded conversation, better edited to capture Shane’s Long Island accent through dialogue.
Sam Quint: Thank you for sitting down with me, Shane. Now, you are the new mascot for the Off-Campus Council, correct?
Shane: Yes, uhh, yes. I am the guy for the — yeah, whatever you said.
SQ: Now, just to be clear for the sake of our audience, am I talking to Shane the mascot or the guy in the suit?
Shane: Why the hell would there be a guy in the suit? This is me. I just — I just fucking look like this.
SQ: Oh! That’s, huh.
Shane: Everyone thinks it’s a costume. “Oh, it’s a costume, I’m gonna wear the head.” I just look like this, OK? And the “wearing the head” thing, it’s cockfuckingly painful. Have you ever detached your own head?
SQ: I have so many questions, but we’re going to move on. Can you briefly describe the Off-Campus Council at Dalhousie and your role in it?
Shane: Absolutely. The program — the Off-Campus thing — is a pitiful attempt to get the first-year losers who couldn’t get a spot in residence “engaged in the larger community.” Like that’s ever gonna happen.
SQ: First-year losers?
Shane: Yeah, the fucks who have to live with their parents and shit. You know? They think they’re one of us, but they’re not. And I’m like their guy. I’m King Virgin to them.
SQ: OK, that’s certainly some wild stuff.
Shane: Whatever. The kids don’t read anyway. I can say whatever.
SQ: This is a lot of disdain coming from someone whose job it is to bring school spirit.
Shane: Yeah, I hate my job. So what?
SQ: Is it because it’s the only job you can get looking like —
Shane: What? No, finish your thought, looking like what?
SQ: That.
Shane: And what’s that supposed to mean?
SQ: Some of our readers have said that you look a little tired?
Shane: Your readers? Your fucking readers? I can hear the thoughts inside your head, man. C’mon, don’t you think it’ll make you feel better if you clear the air on what’s really rattling up there?
SQ: …
Shane: I’m not gonna do anything. You can say it. I’m not gonna do anything.
SQ: You look like you eat kids.
Shane: I should kick your fucking ass.
Quint stands up from his chair. Shane throws the first punch.
End of tape.