HALIFAX, N.S. — Each year, the University of King’s College formally welcomes first-year students with a Matriculation ceremony. To outsiders, this process may seem odd. Students dress in academic gowns, recite an oath in Latin and sign their name in a book, all to officially become a King’s student.
Strange, repetitive rumours of cultish activity sparked the interest of the honest reporters of the Mackerel. Is it just a weird, pretentious ceremony, or does something more sinister lie beneath the surface? This year, at great risk to their safety, an unnamed member of the Mackerel team went undercover to the ceremony. This is their story:
When I arrived on campus, I was assaulted by the sound of bagpipes. I believe this is the beginning of the brainwashing King’s does to their students. I felt very disoriented; just what they wanted.
A herd of robed students led me into the main lecture hall, where we waited for quite a while. I wore a Harry Potter costume I bought on Amazon, allowing me to blend in perfectly. When the president’s group marched in, we were forced to stand up to show respect. Those who didn’t stand were taken out of the hall. I’m unsure what happened to them, but the screams that followed left me with nothing but hope.
Immediately, the old professors began chanting in Latin. A large bonfire was lit in the centre of the lecture hall. Students were forced to join the chant. Those who didn’t were taken away. After a sufficiently long round of chanting, students were rounded up to perform the blood ritual.
One at a time, students sat on a chair at the front of the lecture hall. Each student had an old beaten-up Doc Marten placed on their head. Like a sorting hat, the boot decided the students’ pronouns and sexual orientation. There were no straight students sorted. After the sorting, students were handed a dagger, which they used to slice the palm of their hand. For a few seconds, they let their blood drip into a large goblet before pressing their bloody handprint into a large book, under which they signed their name. Students will perform a similar ritual at Encaenia, their graduation ceremony. During these traditions, students sign their souls over to the university in first year, and sign them out at graduation. Those who drop out of King’s or transfer schools mid-way through their degree never regain possession of their souls and are forced to haunt the Wardroom forever.
After all the students took their turn, the party of administrators drank the entire contents of the goblet. This process must have some de-aging properties, as after they drank, I watched their wrinkles and grey hairs fade away.
Following Matriculation, students marched to Formal Meal, a feast held once every semester. I tried to sneak into this, but because I didn’t have a ticket or a King’s meal plan, they threatened to execute me. It didn’t seem like I missed much though, as the dinner was cut short by a troll in the Alex Hall basement, or a three-headed dog in Angel’s Roost or a dementor in the quad … I wasn’t really sure what was going on.
I’ve risked everything to bring you this article. Since attending Matriculation, I have sensed someone following me and watching me sleep. If I can leave you with anything, it’s a reminder to stay vigilant around King’s students — their souls are not their own.
By Lauren Sooksom