HALIFAX, N.S. — Dalhousie University’s administration has seen how much money scammers can make on ticket sale platforms, and wants in on the action. Following the charges for enrolment confirmation and official transcripts, the administration is “excited” to unveil a new system that makes students pay for something a computer can generate in seconds. Starting this March, Dalhousie will partner with Ticketmaster to offer students a “new” and “improved” course registration process.
Instead of a designated registration time slot, students will sign up to receive a pre-sale code, which will give only 20 per cent of students early access. Those who don’t receive a pre-sale code must prepare for the general sale at 10 a.m. the following day. Like on Ticketmaster, those with a successful pre-sale code will enter a queue and wait in line to register for their courses.
Once through the line, students will have to search for their classes as quickly as possible while battling resellers (some planted by the Dalhousie administration), who are tasked with taking as many spots as possible in the most in-demand classes, particularly core courses required for degree completion.
“I really like the new system,” one student stated. “In the old system, I was only able to sign up for five or six classes, but now I can buy and resell 300 to pay for half of this month’s rent!”
The Mackerel has opted to redact this student’s name, as they have received several doxings and dozens of death threats for their behaviour.
“I like the spectacle,” commented university President Kim Brooks. “I like it when the poor who go here have to fight for the right to be unemployed in four to eight years.”
While there has been an overwhelmingly negative backlash to this decision, the administration sees it as a definitive sign that they’ve made the right call. There is no such thing as bad publicity when you’re still making enough money to fund weapons manufacturing.
By Lauren Sooksom