HALIFAX, N.S. — It can be very difficult for men these days to impress women. Standards for men are just always so much higher than they are for women — amirite fellas? Men are just so demonized and distrusted for NO reason whatsoever. If only there were a way for young men these days to virtue signal that they are one of the good ones out there. Oh wait! There is! As a performative male, women will never see your misogyny coming! Here’s your how-to-guide on how to feign authenticity to pull more women.
- Know your coffee order
If you want the women to know you are vibes, pull up to the function with an iced oat milk matcha, purchased from any bisexual barista at a café in the North End. If you don’t sense a bisexual aura from your barista, don’t fucking drink that matcha; it will poison you.
- Don’t be afraid to zest it up
Hope you’ve been doomsday prepping because it’s the sassy man apocalypse. What better way to impress a leftist girl than by receiving some gay allegations? Who cares if you’ve got some homophobia within yourself that you need to unpack? Right?
- Know how to accessorize
Take notes here, you need some blue light glasses, a canvas tote bag, baggy carpenter jeans, patchwork tattoos on one arm and a realistic insect tattooed on your thigh. In one hand, hold your matcha. In the other? Feminist literature. Whether you ever open it or not, and whether or not it fits in your tote bag, you must always hold your copy of The Second Sex.
- Keep up with the current music
Don’t listen to the haters. Do NOT turn off that Clairo, and do NOT pick up a beer! In addition to Clairo, you should also listen to Harry Styles, The Cranberries and Olivia Dean, and you should know the names of at least five Taylor Swift albums.
- Know the right lines
- “I just can’t sleep at night knowing there are women out there on their periods. We need to fix this.”
- “Babe, let’s get matching Labubus.”
- “Of course I love Joan Didion!”
By Sam Creighton