HALIFAX, N.S. — As the semester comes to an end, the Mackerel thanks its loyal writers for their continued devotion to honest reporting of real facts on news that actually matters to people, unlike the stories published by other campus papers — *cough* Dalhousie Gazette, *cough* — that border on satirical. To honour the reporting done by the Mackerel this semester, here are some of the most important breaking news stories the Mackerel has broken in the past three months:
- Kim Brooks Yells ‘Quiet, piggy!’ In Response To Gazette Reporter
- Commerce Bro’s Generative AI Use Overwhelms Power Grid After Prompting ‘What Would I Look Like As A CEO?’ Too Many Times
- PSYO 1071: ‘How To Not Be Obnoxious On LinkedIn’ Becomes Prerequisite For Co-op
- Halifax Landlord Rents Out Maud Lewis House
- Fetish Community In Shambles After Bigfoot’s Existence Is Disproven
- Troye Sivan Revealed To Have Been Birthed From Bottle Of Poppers Like Aphrodite From Sea Foam
- Earth Sciences Students Join PETA Over Treatment Of Children’s Pet Rocks
- Just Good Journalism: BJH Student Finds Crush’s Grandmother’s Obituary On Facebook
- Dal Tiger Votes Against Releasing Epstein Files
And last but not least:
- Polled Readers Reveal Headline Recap Stories Seen As Just As Much Of A Cop-Out As Sitcom Clip Show Episodes
By Sam Creighton