HALIFAX, N.S. — The first week of October took a tragic turn for the staff of the Mackerel, as the publication’s Shutterstock subscription — long thought to be eternal and divine in nature — was unceremoniously cancelled due to insufficient funds.
The news left the team shocked and outraged.
The Mackerel’s editor-in-chief reportedly fell into a coma upon hearing the news. Doctors say recovery is unlikely, and writers say it is unwanted.
What the writers believed to be a sleek Amex black card funding the company’s expenses was, in fact, a prepaid Visa gift card from the previous editor’s grandmother. And to make things more confusing, both the former and current editors are named Fuckswagon. A coincidence?
The chaos from the cancelled subscription has resulted in both the publication’s website and Instagram page receiving hundreds of take down notices from Shutterstock’s legal team. Thanks to a suspiciously specific clause in their contract, losing the subscription meant retroactively losing the rights to every Shutterstock photo ever used.
That’s roughly 80 per cent of the Mackerel’s visual content, and 112 per cent of its credibility.
What remains of the writing staff has been scrambling to recreate every image from scratch.
Under Canada’s Journalistic Visual Content Act of 2007, all news must be accompanied by a photo, or the publisher is sentenced to life in solitary confinement with only a dyslexia-themed novelty Bible.
The task is Herculean. Articles like “Breaking: Dalhousie computer science student has sex” now require original photographic evidence. The iconic “First-year visiting Dalplex immediately confronted by naked old man” has writers nervously scouting local gyms with GoPros and zero shame.
“It’s not enough,” says one ex-staff member who quit two days into the disaster. “You can’t be funny with just text. We lost the pictures. We lost the plot. We’re gonna die as crooks.”
The ex-employee requested anonymity, to which the Mackerel responded: “Tough shit, Kathryn. You know what we do to deserters.” She has been missing for 36 hours.
The situation continues to unfold as four former writers have been tried for various counts of voyeurism. It is unclear whether or not this was for a photo-op or just symptomatic of the dire straits.
These are the end times.
By Jake Waldner