NOTE FROM THE TEAM: This was an article written by our editor in chief, Cheeky Williams, intended to be a part of a ‘Letter to the Editor’ column that was ultimately scrapped. In light of recent news, we have been advised by local authorities to publish this article in the hopes that it will lead to someone coming forward with information regarding the disappearances of Williams and Brothstein.
HALIFAX, N.S. — If you spend any amount of time around our offices, then it won’t take you very long to find out just how much I appreciate all the support that we’ve received from our loyal readers over the years. After all this time, I’ve decided that The Mackerel should start giving back to our readers, by letting their opinions be heard in their very own column! We hope that this is the start of a much more personal relationship between our team and the amazing community that surrounds us.
I already had quite a collection of letters to choose from for my first article, so I thought it would be fun to pick one that might be a tad controversial to respond to. The subject of the letter is: “What you said about my major really hurt my feelings and I’d like you to stop.” Which is cute, really. What’s also cute is that you signed it as: “An anonymous theatre major.” You see, we here at The Mackerel believe that you should be able to take as much as you give. Therefore, here’s all the personal information our team was able to gather about you:
Darnell Abraham Brothstein
IP Address: 129.173.187.0
(535) 560-9110
I thought it was interesting how you wrote your letter in such an undignified way that it doesn’t even merit being included in full. I was fascinated by brilliant one-liners such as “I understand the articles are satirical, but it’s starting to feel like you really hate us theatre majors,” which is ironic considering that theatre isn’t a real major! That’s like saying I should stop being so harsh towards the homeowners’ association, or some other kind of fairytale.
I’ve been preparing for an attack on my character such as this. I mean, I’m not sure how anyone could interpret “I’ve always enjoyed the jokes about majors and their stereotypes but saying that every theatre major deserves to walk a lifetime of steps barefoot on a LEGO brick road is pushing it a little bit” as anything other than a threat towards my character, right? I take these things very seriously, and will be taking steps to ensure that my personal safety is not at stake.
Something that – I’m sure that the writers at The Mackerel will agree – has been a consistent part of my character is my unrelenting commitment to kindness and peace. That’s why I want to extend an olive branch to Brothstein before it is too late! While I would never condone any kind of violence towards him, I am, of course, not responsible for the actions of our readers, who I am sure are acutely aware that every unwanted, filthy, slobbering dog shall have its day. Hopefully this is something that Brothstein comes to realize as well.
Let this article be an open suggestion to Brothstein to rethink how he views The Mackerel’s treatment of his major and an open invitation to all our readers to contribute to the discussion that he has started. I have a good feeling that we can steer the direction of said discussion into one that is more respectful of the outstanding work done by the writing staff.
Wishing our readers good health and good luck,
Cheeky Willams, Editor in Chief
By Derek Bartlett