HALIFAX, N.S. — Following news of a Cold War bomb shelter in Nova Scotia being repurposed into a high-end community for the doomsday prepping elite, stakeholders at Dalhousie University came to a realization: the bunker business is booming.
On Jan. 7, Dalhousie’s board of governors met with Eve L. Planne, the owner of the luxury shelter in Debert, N.S., to discuss the possibility of converting Dalhousie property into yet another luxury bunker. After having the Dalhousie Commerce Society run the numbers, the board of governors quickly decided that, in today’s climate, doomsday prepping is more profitable than nurturing the minds of the next generation.
Once it was discovered that the Killam Memorial Library meets all the prerequisites to be legally declared a doomsday bunker, the board’s vote was unanimous.
Members of the board were overheard saying: “The end times are near,” “Climate change is out to get everyone… below my tax bracket,” and “Fuck them kids.” The quotes are anonymous, not for privacy but due to board members meeting while dressed in dark cloaks and animal masks.
Once the deal was finalized, a timeline was proposed. Students will be able to finish the 2025-26 school year using the Killam as a library, and construction will begin in June 2026. In the event of delayed construction, the space will be used for nuclear fallout-themed escape rooms, esports and laser tag.
Once construction is complete, the shelter will be renamed the Can’t Killam: Stylish Survival Centre for the One Per Cent and the One Per Cent ONLY (Sorry Kim Brooks) or the CKSSCFTOPCATOPCO(SKB) for short.
“It is a bit wordy, but we really had to make it clear,” said Maxime Power, the project’s head architect. “Some people,” *cough* “Kim,” *cough,* “were way less stoked about the deal once they realized ‘university dean’ is below the line of those who can afford the CKSSCFTOPCATOPCO(SKB). I mean, we are looking for a clientele that is Mr. Beast level.”
A-listers currently rumoured to be on the short list for a spot in the high-class bunker include Dance Moms star Abby Lee Miller, Andy Fillmore and the author of Heated Rivalry, Rachel Reid.
By Sam Creighton