Fun things to do while you’re (still) stuck at home
Halifax, N.S. — The Dalhousie Faculty Association and board of governors are set to continue their epic battle to decide whether or not the streets of Halifax qualify as “good enough” daycare for a two-year-old. Meanwhile, the student body is left at home with nothing to do. Everyone has become all too familiar with the fact that the only thing worse than a course load is absolutely no courses at all. The Mackerel has assembled a list of things you can do while you rot away at home for the indefinite future.
SUB: Day drink
While drinking is usually saved as a communal activity after dusk (in order to best offset the shame), there comes a time when a fifth-year engineering student has needs. Pop open a bottle of the most disgusting shit we’ve ever heard of (probably Fireball), put your phone on do not disturb, and see what Netflix keeps deep in its catacombs. During this process, if you ever feel hungry or sleepy, this is an indication to keep drinking. Mazel tov!
SUB: Think about updating your resumé
It’s been so long since you’ve booted up the ol’ Microsoft Office (or LaTeX, if you’re a virgin) and given your old resumé a good update. Now, it’s critical that you only think about doing this and do not follow through. Actually updating your resumé is an act best saved for better times — you can’t afford the emotional damage right now. Thinking about it will give your time at home a sense of forward momentum and the hope of productivity. (Pairs well with the first recommendation.)
SUB: Rekindle your campus ex-situationship
What are they gonna do, be busy with school? Hit them up on AOL Instant Messenger and tell them you miss them. It doesn’t have to be the right thing for either of you, or even necessarily true. (Pairs well with the first recommendation.)
SUB: Download the DalU app
You’ve truly exhausted doom-scrolling every other social media app, and at some point, LinkedIn really loses its charm. Now, if you didn’t know, Dalhousie has its own social media app, and from what we’ve gathered, it’s primarily used to traffic organs on the black market. The Mackerel only recommends this if you’re truly desperate; we recommend you give the first recommendation another try first.
SUB: Admire an empty Brightspace
“Man there sure aren’t any classes here!” is just one of the many things you can say when you open up https://dal.brightspace.com/d2l/home with a bottle of Jack Daniels this afternoon. If the things you were gonna learn about were actually important, they would already be condensed into a TikTok where AI Peter Griffin explains it over Subway Surfers footage. Studying is a pre-ChatGPT phenomenon anyway.
SUB: Cut your losses
Okay, look, we understand that this lockout has been really annoying … but what has it really taken from you? Classes will start a little late, you might lose reading week, and — if things get really drastic — you may even have a delayed graduation. But you have to ask yourself, why is this a bad thing? Sure, more of your life is going to be spent in university than you expected, but what was the alternative? Do you really want to graduate on time? Right now is your haven when everything is still technically possible because you don’t have to prove it otherwise yet. Isn’t there a beautiful irony to appreciate with the DFA’s unemployment postponing yours?
You should be thankful, moved to tears even, that any of this has gone down. The end has been delayed, and you get to hold on to the last of your youth for a bit longer because of it. We (yes, we) should all collectively thank the board of governors for locking out the faculty. Say it with me now:
Thank you, board of governors, for not increasing faculty salaries with inflation, because professors don’t deserve money.
Thank you, board of governors, for the erasure of the 90-10 clause, because working for Dal should be a game of Survivor.
Thank you, board of governors, for abusing limited-term appointments, because loyalty shouldn’t be rewarded.
Thank you, board of governors, for not providing adequate childcare, because fuck them kids.
Thank you, board of governors, for not recognizing Indigenous days of importance.
And finally…
Thank you, board of governors, for giving us our renewed lease on hope. By locking faculty out of the building before they could strike, you’ve delayed our future unemployment by a week.
We love you.
Signed,
Literally everyone
By Jake Waldner