Halifax, N.S. — Ever the busy man, the Mackerel has been waiting months to talk with Upton “Up” St. Airs, your upstairs neighbour. St. Airs has been a mysterious figure for several years, but the Mackerel has finally been able to shed some light on this pillar of the community.
Mackerel: Mr. St. Airs, we’ll start with the obvious question: what has kept you so busy all these years?
St. Airs: Well, that’s certainly not a short answer, but I’ll do my best to cover everything. On Mondays, I run an amateur bowling league for adults of divorce, and I host tournaments every other Saturday. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I teach tap dancing, followed by band practice. Wednesdays are for tumbling, and I wind down on the weekends by teaching camp cheers to local youth.
Mackerel: That’s quite impressive. Is this all done here, in your apartment?
St. Airs: Absolutely. It’s just not convenient for me to be running around town. I did that for a few years, but as I picked up more responsibilities, it made far more sense to keep it all in one place. I’m sure you can imagine that it’s had its difficulties, especially with installing the bowling alley, but it’s much easier in the long run.
Mackerel: We have been told that you do all of those activities on a volunteer basis. May we ask how you earn an income with so little time in your schedule?
St. Airs: Of course. In order to have as much time as possible to volunteer, the majority of my revenue is passive. One way I do this is by renting out my spare room as a rage room. Now, that doesn’t always get me the money I need, so occasionally I do take commissions for woodworking and welding projects.
Mackerel: That’s an awfully wide range of skills you’ve got. You mentioned as well that you were in a band; could you tell us a little more about that?
St. Airs: Our band, Silence, tries to put a unique spin on screamo music by using instruments not usually seen in that genre. Personally, I play the euphonium. We also have Barnabus on the gong, and Alfie plays the recorder. We play mostly at children’s hospitals, introducing them to new styles of music.
Mackerel: You are certainly committed to giving back, Mr. St. Airs. I know you must have lots more to do today, so I’ll leave the interview here, but thank you for taking the time to speak with us.
It seems St. Airs couldn’t wait to move on to his next activity, as we left, we could hear the melodic sounds of the euphonium from down the hall. We thank St. Airs again for speaking with us, and we hope that we have given you a new appreciation for your neighbour.
By Ryan Van De Wiel