HALIFAX, N.S. — The American defence and aerospace manufacturing corporation, Lockheed Martin, recently announced its acquisition of all the science, technology, engineering and mathematics programs at Dalhousie University. While negotiations between the two have been rumoured for months, no one predicted that Dalhousie would sell roughly one-third of their education offerings to a third party.
“I knew this move was going to be controversial,” said Dalhousie president Kim Brooks in a statement to the Mackerel, “But that was never going to stop me from making a fuckload of money.”
Brooks claims that the deal was primarily facilitated due to the “deeply personal” relationship the board of governors formed with Lockheed Martin CEO Tim Cahill. Reports say they see eye-to-eye on a plethora of issues. This included, but was not limited to, the current political stance taken by a certain country that, while we’re legally not allowed to name in this article, let’s just say is a real point of contention amongst the student body.
The acquisition has drawn criticism from various parties, including students currently enrolled in STEM programs, who will reportedly have their courses altered to fit Lockheed Martin’s corporate values. MECH 4540: Aerodynamics has been replaced by LCKM 3905: Air Dominance. CSCI 3151: Foundations of Machine Learning has been swapped out for LCKM 3151: Foundations of Normalizing Warfare Permanence (For Profit). Additionally, all previously earned humanities credits will be forfeited, as the only recognized humanities courses for STEM programs are the newly developed LCKM 1400: Ethics and How to Ignore Them and LCKM 1401: Metal Gear Solid 2 was Actually a Good Roadmap for the Future.
There has been a massive uproar from bleeding-heart liberals over the deal, but it is important to note that this particular demographic has grown to protest everything, since the picket line is the closest thing they have to a third space in their sorry lives. They only represent a small minority of students who actively read the news. The overall apathetic silence from the rest of the student body has been a deafeningly loud endorsement of the deal.
One student said, “I mean [Lockheed Martin] is where most of the students go after they graduate anyway, so it makes sense to cut out the middle man.”
Another added, “I think Lockheed gets a bad wrap. Let’s be honest, who hasn’t looked at Gaza or Ukraine as a potential opportunity for future revenue growth? These kids just need to grow up.”
There are growing concerns that Lockheed Martin might purchase more Dalhousie or University of King’s College programs after the initial sale.
One journalism major said, “I’d really hate to be the 250th … even if it’s admittedly a nice, round number. Wait, it’s over 260 now?”
One professor commented, “I still remember the day that F-16s flew over and destroyed my home country in 2006. Now, on my way to teaching kids political science, I have to pass by a statue of one being flown by the Dal Tiger.”
Both have since reversed their statements publicly and apologized to Dalhousie on social media.
That’s the situation as it currently stands. The earth is blue, but there is no God. On a completely unrelated note, here is a quick message from us at the Mackerel:
We wish to state that all of us at the Mackerel are in stable mental and physical health (for the most part) and look forward to continuing our professional commitment to hard-hitting and accurate journalism.
By Jake Waldner