HALIFAX, N.S. — Since Sept. 15, Dalhousie University’s campus has been mussed by a scoundrel known as the Dalhousie Pisser. Marking territory like a dog, the Pisser has urinated on several Dalhousie buildings, including Howe Hall and the Dalplex.
Sources suggest some members of the student body have found themselves afraid to walk campus at night, for fear of encountering the Pisser.
“We call him Jack the Pisser,” says Claire Kominski, a third-year student. “At night, you never know who is just a civilian and who might put you in the splash zone.”
Other students have heralded the Pisser as a campus hero, according to master’s student Michael Maroney.
“It is such a powerful message in today’s political climate,” says Maroney.
“In a metaphorical sense, Kim Brooks is the Dalhousie Pisser. Cancelling weeks of classes, yet charging full tuition? I feel pretty pissed on. Whoever the masked vigilante may be, I admire them.”
It is rumoured that when injustice occurs on Dalhousie’s campus, a penis-shaped bat signal will shine into the sky to spur the Pisser into action.
Despite all the public buzz around the Pisser, Haligonians were left scratching their heads about the true identity of the urinary anti-hero.
The search has resulted in several Reddit threads debriefing possible suspects (including, but not limited to: the Dal Tiger, a Saint Mary’s University student and Mayor Andy Fillmore). Aiding in the search, the Halifax Regional Police is offering a $5,000 reward for any tips submitted that lead to the Pisser’s capture, and an investigative mini-series on HBO Max is in the works.
The Pisser has played into the mystery, leaving coded messages spelled out in piss at the scenes where they strike.
The true identity of the Dalhousie Pisser has remained a mystery until now.
The investigative unit of the Mackerel traced the I.Pee address of the culprit’s phone to the office of the Dalhousie Gazette, where one of our reporters caught the Gazette’s editor-in-chief, [Sam, you cannot publish my government name], popping a squat over a pile of piss-soaked copies of The Watch.
This revelation follows several stories written by the Gazette reporting on buildings hit by the Pisser, speculations on their next target and a letter from [redacted] herself titled, “Questions for the Dalhousie Pisser.”
“I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling fish,” said [redacted], whose giant vintage purse was full to the brim of empty water bottles, a white baby tee that read, “Piss on that shit” across the front and an anonymous letter with the answers to the aforementioned letter from the editor.
The letter begins as follows: “Dear editor, this is the Pisser speaking,
“I like pissing in public because it is so much fun, it is more fun than pissing in the forest because a public piss is the most dangerous piss of them all.”
When questioned about her motivation, [redacted] stood firm in her beliefs.
“This is my call to action for the Pisser nation to rise,” she said. “Follow the call of your bladder, and help me flood the streets of Halifax with piss.”
“When I chose my mission, piss was just off-putting enough to get people talking, and I spent countless hours training the trajectory of my stream so the public would suspect a man based on arc and spread of my splash.
“Why did I do it? As long as there are questions about the Pisser, there will be something to report on. I thought I’d show you all that I’m a serious journalist. Dalhousie pisses on my paper? I piss on Dalhousie.”
By Sam Creighton