HALIFAX, N.S. — Back to school is upon us, and whether you are a new or returning student, it can be an overwhelming task to go shopping for everything you need to succeed inside and outside of the classroom. Fear not, reader, the Mackerel has you covered once again. Here is a thorough list of all the things a student at the University of King’s College will need going back to school this semester.
- Cigarette addiction
I mean, come on. We all knew the cigarette joke was coming. Regardless, nothing like a crippling nicotine addiction to get you through a class. You will know you have checked this one off the list when you can’t even make it through your shortest lecture without a smoke break. Even when you first open your school bag to pull out a notebook (which you will not find on this list), at least two loose cigarettes should fall out.
- Slight air of condescension
Going to King’s, thinking you are more intellectual than the plebeians that go to lesser schools (cough, Dal) is just part of the deal. It is practically what your tuition pays for. There are many ways you can show off this back-to-school essential, whether you carry around the novel of a European author from the 1800s, exclusively wear vintage leathers or have a Doc Marten collection the size of the moon, you must have something that exhibits advanced status in the only metric that matters at King’s: being alt.
- Makeover
What you need depends on your intention. Are you a man who wants all the bi women on campus to know you listen to Clairo and drink matcha? Get patchwork tattoos. Maybe accessorize with a pair of non-prescription glasses. Want people to mix in the occasional they/them in your pronoun rotation without needing to explain yourself to anyone? A septum piercing will do the trick.
Honourable mentions:
Bicuriosity
Dark aura
Letterboxd (only to review Indie films)
Gin & Jazz line skip and season passes
By Sam Creighton