HALIFAX, NS — Poppy Longworth, a third year sustainability major, was met with a surprise after logging onto brightspace for the first time in weeks — she received a grade of 83% on a project she had no memory of ever completing. “It’s incredible really, I haven’t even attended this class since the second week of September. The fact that I had no knowledge that this project was assigned, let alone finished and passed in is beyond me,” said Longworth.
When pressed as to how it could possibly stand that a project that she never worked on was passed in and graded, Longworth had a few ideas. “It’s entirely possible that the prof made a mistake and assigned me a grade without realizing I hadn’t submitted anything. It’s also a real possibility that I finished it when I was really, really high — but come on, when have I ever been known to do that? And to get an 83%? Impossible. I’m not typically religious, but with something like this, you really can’t deny that there must be a higher power up there looking out for you,” explained Longworth.
After a long pause, and an audible bong rip, Longworth continued, “Maybe this will finally get me off of academic probation,” her voice cracking with joy. It had seemingly never crossed her mind that the grade she received was for a group project — one submitted by her now resentful peers.
“She said what? Maybe she completed it when she was high? For f***s sake,” said group member Trisha Patterson. “If she ever shows her face in class again, I’ll… well honestly I probably won’t say anything,” Patterson continued. “To think we all are getting the same grade sickens me — some of us put so much work into this project,” lamented group member Joshua Ulrich, whose sole contribution was making the references page at 11:43 the night the project was due.
When contacted by Longworth’s group members, the course’s professor responded with a blunt email, stating, “Welcome to the real world. My ex-husband lives off the alimony cheques — you think he ever lifts a finger?”.
Article by Sam Cutcliffe