HALIFAX, NS—Elias Rumpkin, a masters student in Dalhousie’s health promotion department, has recently published her groundbreaking thesis. In the paper—a literature review— Rumpkin asserts that despite what you may think, hooking up with your next door neighbour in residence is a worthy endeavour, and one that should be pursued. 

Rumpkin refers to a group of experts on the matter, who claim, “the combination of your biological urge to reproduce, alongside your nervousness about starting a new life culminate to ensure this move is 100% in your best interest.”

After testing multiple mental simulations and thought experiments, specialists concluded that things will be “totally cool” both in the present, as well as the long term. If things go south, a clean break is nearly guaranteed. Further, when one of you stays single and the other is shacked up, running into each other in the hallway as you fumble for your keys will be both a humorous and comfortable interaction. 

Rumpkin’s work is being applauded in the academic community and will be presented in conferences at hundreds of universities worldwide.