HALIFAX, N.S. — With another midterm season coming to a close, Dalhousie University statistics PhD candidate Mateo Peachwood has discovered a startling correlation between energy drink purchases and GPA declines. This has been informally dubbed the “HRM White Monster Theory.”
Peachwood is researching the relationship between consumer habits and academic performance. His research focuses on how spending patterns among current students correlate with average GPAs across different programs.
Peachwood’s inspiration for this study is the infamous Pentagon pizza theory.
“So you know how, whenever the United States is about to blow up half the world as a distraction from the pedophile cabal, they first call up Domino’s?” Peachwood says.
“In theory, we can track the number of pizzas ordered to the Pentagon to predict if they’re working late crafting a new international crisis.”
The main issue with the Pentagon pizza theory is that, in practice, we have no way to track pizzas explicitly ordered to the Pentagon in real time (thanks, Wikipedia). However, Peachwood’s study improves on this by collecting more substantial, verifiable data via mobile phone telemetry.
“Anyone who’s ever downloaded either the DalU or DalSAFE app on their phone has been unknowingly feeding the math department data about their every habit and GPS location,” says Peachwood. “I have years’ worth of Apple Pay transactions, Grindr chat history and porn search history on any student. Gotta read those terms of service!”
Using this invasion of privacy as a jumping-off point, Peachwood began charting energy drink purchases at local convenience stores against test scores for selected programs. Peachwood noticed that an increase in purchases of Monster Energy’s Monster Zero Ultra White, known to the common folk as the White Monster, consistently indicated a test score decline in the following weeks.
There is no clear reason why White Monster specifically indicates a decline, and researchers have noted that the only unique quality of this particular caffeinated beverage is that its name conjures up imagery of a sizable Caucasian penis.
“The reason why is pretty clear,” says Big General’s store manager, Big General. “People only want to drink that shit when times are tough. I sell them at two for $6. But honestly, you’re better off just putting a radon geyser under your house.”
Despite the success of his study, Peachwood will likely not finish his PhD, as he is currently under arrest for bringing a llama into Kejimkujik National Park (which is a crime, look it up). In light of this, the Mackerel decided it was time to get paid for all this free promotion.
While Monster Energy declined to sponsor this article directly, a promotional agreement has been reached between Dalhousie and the Mackerel. If you download DalU and DalSAFE onto all your devices and turn all permissions on, you will be entered for a chance to win a Limited Edition Dal Tiger™ White Monster™ Funko Pop!™
Disclaimer: Winning the contest does not entitle you to anything. You will still have to pay for the Limited Edition Dal Tiger™ White Monster™ Funko Pop!™ The contest merely gives you the opportunity to obtain the privilege of buying it. Only one will ever be made. The Mackerel reserves the right to rig the contest in favour of the editor.
By Jake Waldner