HALIFAX, N.S. — Are you struggling to find your ideal match? Someone who’ll take care of you and love you unconditionally? Do you want to settle down with that ideal lover who’ll not only dominate every aspect of your life, but let you dominate theirs? Do you want that fellow to treat you like the sun in the sensual solar system where they’re Venus — or, God forbid, Mars?
Congratulations, you might be afflicted with the modern incarnation of an Oedipus complex.
Who knows how you came down with this curious condition. Maybe, as a toddler, you watched your father chop wood from the kitchen window in the mid-summer heat, or maybe you folded laundry with your mother one too many times. Did you see, at a tender age, through the crack of a bedroom door ajar, the Venusian contour and platinum expanse of her rear as she fastened her bra strap? Did Papa pick you up a little too eagerly after ballet recitals? Did Papa pick you up at all?
Who knows. All that’s certain is that at some point, the realization struck: Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I must fuck one and kill the other.
If you’ve resisted this impulse until this point, congratulations. Keep on rocking. But this doesn’t mean that your non-familial love life is all roses and rainbows. The shadow of Oedipus Rex falls on all your Tinder dates, bouldering sessions and harbour walks. I get it, it’s hard. You’re out in this world looking for a like-minded lover, someone who’ll tuck you in at night, neglect you when you really need them, then declare that they only live for you.
Don’t worry, I’m here to ease you into finding your forever-mommy/daddy/parent-guardian.
Tip one: Ditch the shame. We all have one or two unique things that might melt our ice cubes or knock our rocks. If yours is a subconscious desire to copulate with one parent and murder the other, so be it. Don’t lose sleep over it.
Tip two: Don’t murder their exes or potential members of their polycule.
Tip three: Avoid polycules. They make an already complex situation even more confusing.
Tip four: Be transparent. Let them know who you are and what you’re looking for. Nothing is more embarrassing than letting a “Mommy!” slip after a first kiss.
Tip five: Find an app, speed dating event or community of like-minded singles. If there’s a dating app for far-right conservatives, there must be one for Oedipal minglers.
Tip six: Take care of yourself. It’s a tough world out there. Folks get hostile when taboos are discussed. Make sure your basic needs are being met outside of your love life: bubble baths, three square meals a day and eight hours of sleep. It’s important.
Tip seven: Tackle the taboo head-on. In a world where kinks are all the rage, it’s only fair that the Oedipus complex gets some airtime. Talk about it, it’s not that big of a deal. Start a blog. Craft an Instagram story. It’s only a suppressed subconscious desire; we’ve gotten our knickers in a twist over a lot less.
By Jack Amos