HALIFAX, N.S. — With a term compressed tighter than a pair of Lululemon leggings post-Thanksgiving, some Dalhousie University students are pretending like this is “totally fine,” while crying into their second oat milk pumpkin spice latte of the day. If all you can think of is how you won’t be able to keep those grades up during the most festive time of the year, White Girl Autumn,™ fear not. The Mackerel has you covered on how to stay focused during the compressed semester.
1. Go black.
It’s time to ditch that pumpkin spice and embrace something stronger. We’re talking about black coffee. No foam, no whip, no joy. Like your mood, your grades and the sky at 5:00 p.m. Nothing makes you sound mysterious and vaguely powerful like saying “I take it black” out loud.
2. Preparation > manifestation.
You can’t manifest a passing grade when your semester’s been chopped like yourself in the mirror before your 8:30 a.m. lecture. So this fall, put down the rose quartz, pick up the syllabus and prepare. Manifestation energy is great if you’re summoning a boyfriend who loves long walks on the quad and pumpkin patches, but it’s less helpful when you’re trying to memorize the entirety of Introduction to Biochemistry in one night.
3. Romanticize Biology 3062, not the bi-curious boy.
We get it. He’s in your tutorial; smells like cedar and regret; and says things like “I’m emotionally available now.” But remember, he does not count as an extracurricular activity. Instead, try channeling that energy into something that will pay off. Like romanticizing your notes or the mitochondria (the real powerhouse of your semester). The bi-curious boy will ghost you faster than your TA replying to emails after office hours.
4. Use midterms as an excuse to ghost.
Your friend who just wants to “hang out for an hour” to carve pumpkins is actually asking you to fail. Ghost them. Ghost your situationship. Ghost your landlord, if necessary. Just send one text: “Sorry, studying.” Then vanish like your old attendance record. You’re not being rude, you’re protecting your GPA.
5. Drop out.
Face it. You’re not cut out for this shit. Dropping out is the ultimate act of self-care. After all, how can you fail a midterm if you don’t have one?
By Matt Macdonald