HALIFAX, N.S. — In recent weeks, whispers of terrifying, pale creatures lurking in the dark have tripled in frequency as an increasing number of Dalhousie University students have found themselves cutting through the University of King’s College campus to reach the Dalplex.
One of these students was Elvadere Marone, who was “shaken to the core” following an encounter with what she described as a “disgustingly pale, neo-gothic monster.”
“It was horrible,” said Marone. “I walked through King’s with Tate McRae playing on my speaker, and all of a sudden, I heard hissing and the rattling of large, chunky jewelry as the creature chased me away.”
In response to such rumours, one student has committed himself to keeping the campus safe.
The Mackerel landed an exclusive interview with this self-proclaimed vampire hunter. He asked to remain confidential, for fear of having his family find out that hunting mythical blood-suckers is how he spends his free time.
The Mackerel: Why does Dalhousie need a vampire hunter?
Vampire Hunter: Well, it’s not that Dal has vampires; we are obviously a werewolf school. But we share a campus with King’s, and they have a suspiciously spooky vibe over there. The place looks like Halloweentown.
M: What makes you think King’s has vampires?
VH: It’s so obvious. We’re all too distracted by the septum piercings to notice the fangs. Everyone thinks they have pale skin and long black coats because dressing neo-gothic is trendy, but have you ever come across a King’s student before they’ve had their morning cigarette? You can smell the blood on them. Why do you think no King’s students are working out in the Dalplex? The natural light would kill them.
M: Have you actually had an experience with a vampire from King’s?
VH: Yeah, it was horrifying; she almost got me. I was out one night and ended up talking to some contemporary studies students. This girl invited me to come listen to some old music I’ve never heard of on her record player. I think it was a band called Fleetwood Drac? Probably from before she became a vampire 600 years ago. Next thing I know, she leans in to bite my neck, and I ran out of there screaming. I’ve never gone out at night without garlic since.
M: How do you know she wasn’t just trying to kiss you?
VH: I play League of Legends.
By Zach Taylor