HALIFAX, N.S. — In response to several complaints and three hospitalisations, Dalhousie University has revealed a plan outlining changes to meal hall services starting September 2025. The changes include the following
- Employees are now forbidden from using the kitchen for meth manufacturing while on the clock
- The hamster meat on the menu is being replaced with a vegan alternative
- Any students caught stealing ice cream tubs from meal hall will be publicly egged in the quad
- Last employee to say “not it” must cook everything on weekends
- Students will be granted a free year in residence provided they eat 99 hotdogs in 19 minutes
- No more getting frisky in the corner booths
- All food will be prepared with a replica of the machine from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
- Students may pay for Meal Hall Premium to eat all meals at the Bicycle Thief
- Gordon Ramsay is slated to replace the current head chef
- The lunch menu will now include idiot sandwiches
Dalhousie administration, faculty and students have all expressed high hopes for the upcoming changes.
By Sam Creighton