HALIFAX, N.S. — Another February 14 has arrived and you’re alone, in your room, listening to your neighbours have unnecessarily loud sex for the third time this evening. It seems like the world just rubs it in this time of year, doesn’t it? You’ve managed to think of a million rationalizations as to why Cupid hates you. It could be your major, your social circles, your extra-curricular entanglements or whatever… but let’s be real — you’re just straight up unlovable.
Like a co-op student to a job, your odds of getting what you desire are slim to none. While everyone around you was inexplicably laid within 3.2 nanoseconds of arriving at university, you’re left to wonder if things will really turn around next semester. But let’s just cut to the chase, you know what the problem is.
You’re obsessed with the 90. Yes, the bus route that goes from Hollis Street to Bedford. When people try to get to know you, they think that your love for it is purely ironic due to the fact you don’t even live close by, but you’re actually a goddamn freak. You love it the way your mother could never love you. You defend it in instagram comments, you’ve tried and failed to start multiple societies around it, and you’ve received multiple complaints from civil servants over it.
You were so incredibly hyped about the “winter semester 90 vibe” that you made your own fan merch that you refused to take off or even wash once (you fucking reeked). Who lets a bus route become their entire identity? Are there even groups for people like you? If you started one, would anyone join? Would you just drive them away too? You make virgins look worse by association.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you and the bus, the only thing that will ever let you ride.
By Jake Waldner