Editor’s note: This guide does NOT guarantee you’ll find a job. You aren’t going to find a job unless you go to trade school, and if you are able to read this, you definitely didn’t go to trade school.
HALIFAX, N.S. — In today’s abominable job market, having a network has never been more important. If you’re not lucky enough to be born into one, you will have to make it yourself.
LinkedIn is the premier networking platform — it takes everything artificial and performative about human interaction and makes it even worse. It is (unfortunately) the cornerstone of the modern job market.
LinkedIn can be a scary place for newcomers, especially second-years trying to get their first co-op placement so their Bluenoser landlord doesn’t pry off their kneecaps with a crowbar. Luckily for all of you, the Mackerel has prepared the definitive guide to losing your humanity.
The first step to being successful on LinkedIn is to join the 500-plus connections club. To do this, you’re going to want to hit that connect button on as many people as possible. Your teachers, your classmates, your absent father, your sneaky link at the Dome, your wife’s boyfriend — each of them can be reduced to a connection on LinkedIn.
Once you reach 500 connections, it’s time to make your first post. However, before you go ahead and prompt ChatGPT, here are a few things to keep in mind:
- ✅ The AI Slop Method: Run your post through many different AI chatbots until it is completely unintelligible
- 👹 Emojis: Be sure to include one to two emojis in every sentence and a rocket (🚀) before any title announcing anything
- 🍆 Key words: Start your post with phrases like, “I’m thrilled to announce” or “I sold out to”
- 🐑 Blood Sacrifice: Sacrifice a minimum of 10 sheep to Moloch or Baal
Wallace Street, the Mackerel’s business correspondent, sat down with third-year computer science student Megan Byte to talk about her experience on the platform. Byte has been trying to secure her first co-op placement by posting a LinkedIn update every waking hour.
Editor’s note: The following Q-and-A has been edited for length, grammar and clarity.
Wallace Street: Thank you for sitting down with us, Megan. What is at the core of every LinkedIn post?
Megan Byte: Four letters, one acronym: LARP. If you run out of things in your life to gloat about on LinkedIn, just make shit up!
WS: What advice do you have for users commenting on other people’s LinkedIn posts?
MB: Too many people leave the same comments on every post. To be noticed, you have to leave memorable comments.
WS: How so?
MB: Try some insulting or degrading comments. Leave some “I did it better” and “you suck” words in there. Those reading will know you mean business.
Since the interview, Byte has resorted to going in person to tech companies in Silicon Valley and handing out résumés the old-fashioned way.
The Mackerel also sat down with business student John-Peter Morgan, who has somehow landed a full-time job at CIBC.
Editor’s note: The following Q-and-A has been edited for length, grammar and clarity.
Wallace Street: What’s your secret, J.P.?
John-Peter Morgan: I got a master’s in business administration, three internships at Scotiabank and my father is the CEO of CIBC. I reimagined my LinkedIn connections into my own B2B.
Morgan proceeded to trail off into a series of unintelligible buzzwords that we don’t care to transcribe.
WS: So, J.P., what are you doing at CIBC?
JP: I’ll be working in the mailroom starting this fall!
Morgan’s interview had to be cut short after he tried to sell street cocaine mid-sentence.
That’s all, folks. I hope you learned something! Just remember, if you get an actual job, you’ll literally never need LinkedIn again — the other side is sunny!
🚀