HALIFAX, N.S. — Dalhousie University admin has recently made waves throughout the student body with its announcement of the imminent construction of a building planned to house up to six generators of a loud, irritating racket.
The announcement comes a month after over 700 students moved into Howe Hall, the residence building located just across the street from the imminent noise pollution.
The construction project aligns with Dalhousie’s recently announced initiative to make every student’s life a complete nightmare, an effort which Dal President Kim Brooks describes as “very important to the university’s beliefs and values.”
“I’m really glad to hear they’re building something that makes so much noise,” says second-year music major, Dessy Bell. “I was worried I might be actually able to get some sleep in between my roommates tearing chunks out of the drywall in Bronson and the 30 people partying in the halls of Fountain.”
The construction continues a long-standing tradition of the school putting up needless and senseless buildings that intertwine in an almost labyrinthine manner. Notably, this includes the unoccupied, and largely uncharted, hallways of the Oceanography wing which few have dared tread into.
It is rumoured that the noise-generating facility will house at least 14 kilometres of underground tunnels, populated with at least one minotaur unearthed during the construction of the Oulton‑Stanish Centre.
“It’s actually a rather clever design,” said Daie Daylus, a first-year architecture student, unprompted to a slightly perturbed Mackerel reporter walking to the Spring Garden Road Tim Hortons. “The noise agitates the minotaurs, keeping them in a constant state of murderous rage.”
The construction of this hubbub and the feeding of the minotaur(s) are projected to cost Dal students an additional $1,250 in tuition fees per semester. When asked about this increase, Brooks describes the price as “completely worth it.”