HALIFAX, N.S. — In April, Dalhousie University made the brave decision to indefinitely shut down the so-called “most important” bathroom in the Life Sciences Centre.
The bathroom, also known as the eyesore that lay betwixt the print shop and the blessed Tim Hortons, was put to rest after Fart Simpson, an exchange student, allegedly flushed himself down the toilet. The stunt was rumoured to be inspired by the toilet-positive film Trainspotting (2026).
Students say the closure was a stroke of genius by the university — in addition to getting the school’s pesky nerds to pack up over the summer. As of September, the closure has increased student morale by 79 per cent, and decreased international toilet paper sales by 20 per cent.
One of the many reasons why the student body is so elated by the closure of the wretched lavatory is that it helps expel the convenience addiction running rampant on Dal’s campus.
“It was just too easy, you know?” says Lou Pea, a relieved student and longtime LSC bathroom customer.
“I go in, use the bathroom, then what, I’m all done? I take one step outside, and I’m already in my classroom? Ridiculous!” says Pea, jogging in place with some urgency. “Now, it’s like, ‘Wow, I’m not going to be back to C238 for at least 20 minutes, and I’m going to get like 115 steps in? That’s what university is all about.”
The president of the severely unpopular Dal Bathroom Society, Willy Flushers, supports the closure with his toilet paper-wrapped fist.
“To be honest, I was always torn. On one hand, I love and cherish all the bathrooms at this school as if I bore and nursed them myself. But that bathr—”
Flushers paused to gag.
“That bathroom. It was just so easily accessible between classes,” he says. “This generation is so shackled to convenience, and I was once its prisoner too. I was in a porcelain cage called ‘easy,’ but I’ve been released. I’m free to push and grunt my way through life. Life has chewed me up and, hopefully, it will digest me. It will digest all of us.”
Following rumours of the bathroom’s reopening, the Mackerel reached out to Dal admin for comment but did not hear back before publication.
Currently, a petition to keep the bathroom closed is circulating on campus, spearheaded by Flushers and other concerned students.
Flushers says if the “lavatory of lies” reopens, it’s likely that outraged activists will take the plunge and strike against the injustice with himself at the helm.
“They can’t reopen yet,” he says tearfully while dabbing his eyes with a bundle of toilet paper. “They’ll just go back or fall into old habits of convenience. I won’t let them go back. They’ll have to get through me first. I had briefly forgotten what it was like before, but I have to protect the beauty that exists in the world from those who wish to take it.”
Following Flushers’ rise in popularity in the midst of these reopening rumours, his fellow protestors have begun wondering about the nature of Fart Simpson’s tragic passing and have been careful not to step into any toilets alone with him.