HALIFAX, N.S. — The recent U.S. tariffs on imported alcohol have triggered an unexpected crisis amid Smirnoff Ice shortages affecting Dalhousie’s first-year students. The 275ml bottles of sugary regret, long considered the cornerstone of pre-drinks across South End residences, have been harder to find than a commerce student on a Thursday night.
“Smirnoff was always there for me,” said marine biology student Sadie Matheson, clenching a glass of wine in sadness.
The shortages have forced students to resort to desperate measures. A photo surfaced online of a group of Howe Hall residents splitting a mickey of vodka and mixing it with tap water and Jolly Ranchers.
“People are losing their minds,” said Jack West, a first-year commerce student. “I saw a guy trying to Ice his friend with a Molson. It was pathetic.”
Dalhousie student services is reportedly considering setting up a support hotline for those suffering from Smirnoff withdrawals. However, critics argue the move comes too late, with many students already making the transition to hard liquor and — God forbid — sober socializing.
“I just don’t recognize this campus anymore,” said one anonymous upper-year student. “First-years used to be predictable: iPhones in one hand, a lukewarm Ice in the other. Now they’re out here with gin and tonics like they’re 35.”
With no end to the tariffs in sight, Halifax may be on the verge of a cultural collapse, where Dalhousie’s first-year students are forced to navigate the harsh realities of alcohol that doesn’t taste like melted candy and finally develop some taste.
By Matt MacDonald