HALIFAX, NS— As residences reopen this January and students return to their dorm rooms, introverted students are once again facing the challenge of having to walk past their peers in the hallways. The team at The Mackerel understands; you had your opportunity to properly meet these people the first week and build lifelong friendships, and you blew it. Here’s how to best avoid any interaction with the strangers you live with.
Method 1 – Look at your phone
Nothing wrong with a cheeky little peek at the tiny computer that controls your entire life. There is a lot to look at on there, photographs, favourite songs, a message left on delivered for two days to the cute barista who you swore was into you. Why won’t she message back? Let your insecurities fill your head until you forget that there’s even a person in front of you.
Method 2 – Glance at the ceiling
Tilt your head upwards. The ceiling tiles are really beautiful this time of year. Take the time to stop and admire the results of the hard work you’re surrounded by on a day-to-day basis. Really breathe it all in, but beware of any potential asbestos.
Method 3 – Pretend to be insane
Your neighbours will have trouble engaging you in pupil tethering if they’re too busy trying to get away from you as fast as possible. Start muttering incoherently to yourself, jerk your neck in random directions and tell people an arts degree is an exceptionally good use of your parent’s savings.
Method 4 – Pull a U-turn
Put physical distance between your eyes and potential ocular engagements. Focus on the black mould in the corner or the fallen ceiling tiles from whoever punched them down last night. Much of Dal’s residences go undiscovered, see the sights from the void behind the laundry machines to the janitor’s closet.
Method 5 – Press your face against the wall
Finally break the will-they/won’t-they tension and plant a kiss on the wall. Note that it’s essential your make-out session with the drywall lasts until your neighbours’ footsteps fade into the distance, from where you then pull away to say “Stop, this isn’t right, I- I’m sorry…” The wall might say it understands, but truthfully, it’s heartbroken.
Method 6 – Close your eyes (experts only)
This method is only for those who are exceptionally attuned to their surroundings and exceptionally not attuned to social cues. This method is not recommended in the following settings: stairways, elevators or outdoors. The risk of this method also comes from potentially bumping into someone, which would guarantee an uncomfortable interaction. This method is a high-risk, high-reward gambit.
Honourable Mentions:
-The fake shoe-tying gambit
-The fake phone call gambit
-The fire escape gambit
-The fire gambit
-Going to therapy
By Jake Waldner