HALIFAX, N.S. — Time of death, April 1, 2025.
During a meeting of the Dalhousie Student Union last month, keen-eyed treasurer Beth Moneyhandler made the observation that there was some “overhead” in the student levies charged annually within tuition. These running costs — which would be eliminated with the termination of certain student societies — came out to about five dollars per student. Moneyhandler claimed this money didn’t go “anywhere important” upon observation, and argued that each student could now “afford a half carton of eggs” by simply cutting it from the budget. The decision was put to a vote, and then the Gazette was successfully defunded.
In light of these events, this will be the last issue of the Gazette (1868 – literally today) ever published.
This means that it will only be five years before the tagline “North America’s Oldest Campus Newspaper” will be the legal right of the Harvard Crimson (1873), and only one annoying guy’s Wikipedia search until it’s argued that the Brunswickan (1867) should’ve had this title all along. However, the Gazette will always be able to pride itself on the achievement of “Longest Running Dalhousie Campus Newspaper.”
The Gazette had many great accomplishments during its run, including being the first to break the story of the mass cocaine trafficking through the taxidermied animals in the learning commons center in 1983 [citation needed], and also being the first campus newspaper to have the genius idea of using black text on a black background on the footer of its website. It was near and dear to the hearts and minds of all students, and it will be greatly missed. Several students have wished to give statements regarding the shutdown of this once beloved journalistic institution.
“This is so heartbreaking, I mean what am I supposed to use as cat litter now? I already use my flyers to line my compost bin, and Mittens really liked peeing on the sports section! I should’ve transferred to Saint Mary’s…”
- Aisha Marigold, environmental science
“Well I don’t really like reading or paper or nerd shit like that … but one time, I ran out of tissues, and it really saved me from getting my keyboard all sticky. It would’ve been harder to prompt ChatGPT afterwards without it!”
- Frankie Pelton, commerce
“SuvwI’na’ ram DachenmoHta’bogh SoHvaD”
- Jorath, the deathbringer’s strength (possibly not enrolled)
As far as how the team is taking this news, all Gazette editors and contributors on payroll have been laid off, effective immediately. While this has caused a lot of frustration among the workers, it was notably important to them that they dealt with this situation with poise, dignity and without compromising Beth’s safety by revealing all of her personal information. But of course, if university has taught anyone anything, it’s that 66 per cent of the desired outcome is still a pass:
- Bethany Rachael Moneyhandler
- Born July 22, 1998 in Denver, Colo, U.S.
- 1824 Alderwood Crescent, Apt 3B, Halifax, NS B3H 2P7, Canada
- +1 (902) 555-3472
- [email protected]
- [email protected], @beth.makes.bank on Instagram, Snapchat, Tiktok, X, LinkedIn
- Father: Greg Moneyhandler
- Mother: Linda Moneyhandler
- B.Comm in Accounting, University of Colorado Boulder (2020)
- Pursuing an MPA at Dalhousie University
- Currently at the 3rd floor of the Killam Memorial Library
- 44.6373992, -63.5914641
- Scared of: spiders, knives and strangers
- (Doesn’t suspect a thing)
A candlelight vigil will be held at the Gazette office on the third floor of the SUB tomorrow at 6 p.m. to commemorate the life and time of the paper. It will be promptly followed by the entire third floor being shut down permanently in order to begin its demolition by wrecking ball, as former editors and contributors have decided “if we can’t have it, no one can.” Or alternatively, one of the candles could start a fire that ends up burning down the entire building (one could only dream).
The team at the Gazette has put a lot of time into making the last issue especially special, and we hope that you will take the time to read it, even briefly, before pissing on it or using it as kindling.
By Jake Waldner