HALIFAX, NS — Tensions were high this afternoon over a controversial piece of art that was recently put on display in the Dalhousie Arts Centre. The piece in question caused an outcry from a student who made the shocking discovery that the painting depicted them in their youth.
“It didn’t take long to figure out this whole exhibit was actually about me.” explained Jillroy Beckard, who declined to provide The Mackerel with their major because “… the people just wouldn’t get it.”
“Seriously, I don’t know how they knew about how my dad would make me practice the time tables in the kitchen and call me a greasy little baby whenever I got a question wrong … It’s a complete breach of my privacy.”
Shortly after this revelation, Beckard was able to organize a crowd of sympathizers, but much to their surprise this was met with fierce opposition by a counter-protest led by psychology major Garg Stevens.
“Fuck Jillroy and fuck their dad. That’s my protest. The painting is clearly supposed to be me waiting for my mother to pick me up from my little league soccer game, but she had to sell her car because she was really into horse racing at the time. I ended up having to walk five miles home on the highway during a thunderstorm. We won the soccer game, but I was robbed on the highway and they took the trophy. No, I didn’t pay attention when we were talking about Rorschach in class. Why?”
Beckard has yet to give a response that anyone is able to actually make out, on account of them being engaged in a fist fight with Stevens for the past five hours. At this time, analysts believe that the painting will remain on display due to the popularity of a third protest led by a student named Humphrey McNabb, who claims the painting “kinda looks like an ant.”
“See, it has the antennas on the top, and it has biters too. Like, the thing ants use to eat. I forget [the name].”
By Derek Bartlett