Tired of being confined to the Halifax peninsula, 4th year environmental science student Thomas Wiler browsed through Kijiji in hopes of finding some new wheels. “I knew it was meant to be,” said Wiler. “A 2004 Outback with only 312,000 kilometres on it and some electrical problems — and for only nine grand, what a steal!” he boasted.
The Mackerel was shown the vehicle, equipped with a questionable homemade roof rack, an ‘I’d rather be camping’ bumper sticker, and a radio only capable of playing The Lumineers.
Wiler explained that his life has changed dramatically after the purchase. “I woke up the next day to a woman from Patagonia at my door begging me to become one of their sponsored athletes.” In addition to his Patagonia sponsorship, he was given a complimentary lifetime pass to Seven Bays Bouldering, and even received a letter from the federal government informing him that his birthplace had been legally changed to Vancouver, B.C.
Upon hearing the news, the previous president of the Dalhousie Outdoor Society resigned, informing an unexpecting Wiler that he would be forced to take his place.
The sharp contrast of Wiler pre and post purchase was staggering. The moment he drove the vehicle off the lot, he noticed a patchy mustache had appeared on his upper lip. Blundstones became permanently stuck to his feet and he began exclusively showering with water from his Nalgene, which was last cleaned in 2017.
“It’s taking its toll on my academics,” Wiler lamented. “It’s impossible to make it to lectures on time when I’m forced to portage my canoe from class to class.”