Halifax, NS— First year University of King’s College student Alexander Murphy has had a uniquely difficult transition into university life, struggling to fit into his campus community, though not for the typical reasons. Murphy’s sexual orientation was the cause of his social exclusion, which may surprise many, considering he identifies as straight. However, on King’s campus, straight students are an endangered minority, with few brave enough to express their identity openly.
“That was my first mistake,” Murphy told The Mackerel. “I was way too open about being straight when I first got here. I didn’t realize that this would be such a hostile environment for people like me.”
After several weeks of name-calling and being kicked by platform Dr. Martens wearers, he decided he needed to make a change.
“Trying to blend in was hard at first,” he said. “Specifically trying to break in the Docs I bought myself. I had blisters for weeks.”
Along with this change of footwear, Murphy also began to wear oversized leather jackets and reportedly started dressing like a “depressed English teacher”.
Murphy has taken up several extracurriculars to add to the realism as much as possible, taking actions including auditioning for every play the King’s Theatrical Society offers, learning astrology, watching Bottoms (2023) in theatres over five times, loudly expressing excitement for the upcoming Percy Jackson show, running a Charli XCX fan page and learning every lyric to every boygenius song ever made.
“I’ve learned so far that being gay is really expensive. Seeing Bottoms that many times really adds up. I can also hear my bank account crying every time I order oat milk to replace regular but if I don’t, it’s a dead giveaway that I’m straight.”
His efforts have not been in vain, as he reportedly began making friends within a week of his lifestyle transformation.
“Everybody loves me now, it’s crazy. My entire tutorial even clapped for me after I gave a passionate rant about Sappho’s poetry,” he said, referring to his tutorial for King’s’ first-year Foundation Year Program.
Murphy states that he has no regrets. “It was hard at first but it’s gotten much easier. Though I lack what it takes fundamentally, I can confidently say that I have blended in with ease. Honestly, liking the same sex is like the least gay thing about these people. They barely get any anyway.”
By Lauren Sooksom