HALIFAX, N.S. — On Tuesday, Dalhousie Agricultural Campus students from Truro, Nova Scotia, plan to march onto Studley campus in support of the separatist movement. The hashtag, “Ram into the movement,” named after their Dal Rams mascot, are what agriculture students are hashtagging online in effort to gain more traction for their separatist ideas.
The planned march comes after separatist leader and agriculture student Buck Austin claimed “enough is enough,” stating agriculture students are no longer willing to be treated like the university’s vegetable garden. The Agricampus Loyalists argue that their contributions to society are undervalued. Recent protests saw tractor convoys clogging the university’s main pathways, while students dressed as cows spread manure across Wickwire Field. The movement’s manifesto, titled Cultivating Freedom: A New Dawn for the Agricultural Republic, demands full control over the fields, barns and coveted dairy research lab.
“We’ve tilled our own soil long enough,” proclaimed self-appointed minister of corn and resistance, Billy Ray Barley. “While Halifax students sip their artisanal lattes and debate existentialism, we’re out here debating whether it’s time to fertilize or to cut the farm fresh produce at Noggins.”
In response, Dalhousie University President Kim Brooks expressed regret towards the division, insisting that agricultural students remain an integral part of the institution’s academic bouquet. “We value their hands-on contributions and their vibrant straw hat culture,” she said, attempting to suppress a sneeze induced by freshly harvested hay.
“Why should we answer to some suit in Halifax who wouldn’t know a cow from a lawn ornament?” asked Daisy McHayes, head of strategic hay baling. “They talk about what bar to go to on a Sunday while we talk about soil pH levels. They discuss the noise in the Killam; we discuss green manure. It’s two different worlds and we don’t belong with them.”
Tensions escalated when the agricultural campus declared a wool embargo, cutting off Halifax’s arts students’ primary supply of locally sourced sheep sweaters. Reports suggest rogue factions are also threatening to unleash a devastating cow parade upon the city’s downtown core. Sources are worried about the possibility that these cows will elongate the line at The Pint on Friday night.
Should the separatist bid succeed, the agricultural campus’s separatist party plans to rebrand as the Independent Farming College. However, sources at Saint Mary’s University confirms that a deal is being made between the two deans to have the agricultural campus join the SMU community. This deal is said to have been pushed by SMU students in an ongoing demand for, well, everything that SMU wants that Dal already has. In response to the deal, separatist at the Truro campus are “prepared to plow forward,” said Austin. “No more high-class Haligonians telling us which way the wind blows. We follow the change in seasons, and there’s a real change coming.”
As negotiations continue, experts speculate whether Halifax will make an offer of increased fertilizer budget or add a “hick” representative in the university senate. For now, the separatist movement remains steadfast, determined to sow the seeds of independence at their Tuesday march on Studley Campus.
By Matt MacDonald