HALIFAX, NS—September 29th: This Thursday morning, roommate Justin McElenney gave the following briefing concerning the ongoing Fridge-Space Territorial Conflict: “After receiving credible intel that my roommate Liam Thomas will be returning home this upcoming weekend, I have begun operation Rapid Thunder, whose main goal will be to remove any and all illegitimate occupation of my fridge space by Liam’s food items during his absence.”
The left vegetable crisper region, colloquially known as “the not smelly one”, has been a frequently disputed strategic zone, with value stemming both from its ease of access and lack of active biological decay.
While this move takes the larger apartment community by surprise, experts claim it is a natural result of Thomas’ recent “any food without a sticky note on the left side of the fridge is going in the trash” policy.
The enforcement of this policy has been controversial as the period from notice to disposal falls well within the requirements pinned in the groupchat.
Stuck in the crossfire is the only roommate who actually cooks for themselves more than twice weekly, Samantha Harris, claiming, “I might as well buy a mini fridge at this point. It would cost just as much as the food these fuckheads keep throwing out.”
Nonetheless, after receiving information of McElleney’s plans, Thomas seems to remain unfazed, citing deterrence tactics of mutually assured inconvenience. “Listen, if this guy wants to go and put his food where it doesn’t belong he can go right ahead. I’ve got a free ‘Hello Fresh’ trial just waiting to fill up the fridge with useless bags of food. I’m ready to see this world burn.”
Regardless of kitchen tensions, McElleney hopes that Thomas has a pleasant weekend at home celebrating the life of his late Gamgam.