HALIFAX, N.S.— “History of Pirate Fashion” Professor, Dr. Ronald David Whitaker, was caught taking a blissful forty winks on the second floor of the King’s New Academic Building after successfully completing his bi-annual duty of creating a new cover for last semester’s material so it may be republished at full price.
Noted photoshop novice Whitaker has been partaking in this educator rite of passage since his tenure began; finding it to be a lucrative side hustle to help manage student loan debt. Whitaker effectively forces those who take his class to buy his new book by rendering previous editions obsolete. He both reorders the chapters, and uses an AI text-generation tool to alter the phrasing of key passages. The colour palette of the cover is now more sepia-toned, instead of primarily chartreuse, which is where, quote, “most of the $129.99 went.”
The syllabus states that “any student caught quoting an outdated edition of Arrrr-drobe: The High Seas of Pirate Style in any submitted paper will not only forfeit the credit, but will also be legally required to show up as a character witness in the professor’s upcoming tax evasion trial.”
Many students have pointed out a potential abuse of power taking place, and have raised concerns about why a professional with his salary needs to price-gouge his pupils – especially when compounded with the fact that the class itself offers practically nothing that would increase one’s likelihood of employment.
When confronted directly, Whitaker said, “Breaking the generational curse is a hopeless act of idealism, romanticized by liberal children with too much time on their hands.”
“Look, kid, the skinny of it is that the only way for me to free myself from the jaws of capitalism is to submit more prey for her slaughter. I, too, was once 17 and told to figure out my entire future before I even figured out which girl would reject my promposal. I’ve earned the right to break your soul on my wheel. You will take my class and you will read my fucking feathercap encyclopedia.”
When asked for further comments about the situation, Whitaker reportedly said “honk”, “shoo”, and a controversial “mimimimimi”, in various different orders, which keen-eyed readers will notice is due to the fact he’d fallen back to sleep. In light of this entire debacle, it is speculated that he will once again win the Academic Innovation Award for the third time in a row this year.
By Jake Waldner