HALIFAX, NS— Students of Dalhousie University have continued to raise the academic bar this week with the recent announcement of a student aiming to graduate with a triple major.
Kyle Hunter is breaking academic records with his triple major, but many are wondering what inspired him to pursue such an impressive feat.
“I used to not know what I wanted to do,” said Hunter, “But during my weekly couch rot, I introduced myself to true cinema. And then I saw what it was like to be a true businessman. And then I saw what it’s like to be a true software engineer. That’s right, a triple feature of The Godfather, The Wolf Of Wall Street and The Social Network inspired me to triple major in film, commerce and computer science.”
“Thanks to my triple major, I get to be a pretentious snob about three different niches! I get to force Tinder dates to watch every black and white movie I want while going on and on about the cinematography, even if they are just there for a hookup. But I also get to mansplain cryptocurrency to everyone I see,” Hunter said in a statement to The Mackerel.
“There sure are a lot of ways to be a douchebag,” said Kennedy Wilson, an ex-girlfriend of Hunter’s. “Usually you know exactly what kind of douchebaggery to expect from a guy when you start dating them, but with each new major, there is a new layer of man… It was almost like a different persona based on what we would do.”
“If we saw a movie, he’d be wearing a scarf and lensless glasses telling me all about how the movie we watched was a metaphor for the Irish Famine. We saw the Trolls movie. If we went golfing, he’d talk about his glory days at the frat, and if we went to an arcade, the computer science personality would jump out and he’d start crying about losing to a ‘girl gamer.’” said Wilson.
The good news for Wilson, though, is according to many of Hunter’s professors he is not maintaining a high enough GPA to continue his enrollment in the triple major.
“I don’t think he’s studied for anything this term,” said Dewie Hughes, an accounting professor at Dal, “Whenever I try to talk to him about his grades, he’s all ‘let me sell you this pen’, and when I was reading his term report from his coop, he cited what he learned about was ‘cocaine and hookers’. And no, I don’t believe he did his coop on Wall Street.”
One film professor is hoping Hunter will cut his losses and drop their class. “He had a character analysis assignment to discuss one time he felt represented in film, he wrote all about Christian Bale in American Psycho with an entire alternate submission describing how much he related to Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker. Kyle Hunter might just be the most terrifying man alive.”
By Sam Creighton