The classic Rice Purity Test has historically served as a segue from O-week to true college life. It’s a chance to bond amongst peers and track the maturation of your experiences as you go throughout your college/university journey. However, the original website looks like it was a first-year computer science student’s homework assignment in the 90s, so we’ve taken the time to update it and shamelessly retitled it the Mackerel Purity Test.
Caution: This is a bucket list. Treat it as one. If you haven’t done all of these things, you’re a fucking loser.
Final score = 100 – Boxes Checked
MPS: Member of Preferred Sex
- ロ Held hands romantically?
- ロ Been on a date?
- ロ Been in a situationship?
- ロ Danced without leaving room for the Dal Tiger?
- ロ Kissed a non-family member?
- ロ Kissed a non-family member on the lips?
- ロ French kissed?
- ロ French kissed in public?
- ロ Kissed on the neck?
- ロ Kissed on the feet?
- ロ Given/received so many hickeys it made you forget the horrors?
- ロ Kissed or been kissed directly on the kidney?
- ロ Kissed someone’s belt?
- ロ Kissed for more than three days consecutively, stopping only for bathroom breaks?
- ロ Called someone else your own name?
- ロ Been completely objectified?
- ロ Gooned?
- ロ Gooned to TikTok/reels?
- ロ Gooned while a sleep paralysis demon was in your room?
- ロ Been caught gooning during a lecture?
- ロ Gooned with a cardboard cut-out of LeBron James?
- ロ Read or written smut on AO3?
- ロ Got a happy ending at the chiropractor?
- ロ Dry humped?
- ロ Changed clothes because you pissed yourself?
- ロ Showered while in the computer science program?
- ロ Fondled the Dal Tiger’s butt?
- ロ Fondled the Dal Tiger’s chest?
- ロ Fondled the Dal Tiger’s “tail”?
- ロ Won a sex toy at bingo?
- ロ Had an orgasm due to a witchcraft student’s spell?
- ロ Shared a TikTok/reel with sexual undertones?
- ロ Started an OnlyFans to make ends meet?
- ロ Had Microsoft Teams sex?
- ロ Been on the DalUnfiltered page?
- ロ Took an unlubed condom from campus?
- ロ Gave a “McCain’s Kiss”?
- ロ Got a “McCain’s Kiss”?
- ロ Made jenkem from the aftermath of a blumpkin?
- ロ Used a PS5 controller’s vibration motors to masturbate?
- ロ Spent the night with a MPS because your roommate kicked you out?
- ロ Been walked in on while sounding?
- ロ Kicked out a roommate so you could goon in their bed?
- ロ Ingested jenkem in a non-religious context?
- ロ Played soggy cracker?
- ロ Pissed yourself while under the influence?
- ロ Faked sobriety to not get kicked out of leading your AA society?
- ロ Been blackout drunk during a midterm?
- ロ Smoked a dart outside da clerb?
- ロ Taken too many edibles before a second date?
- ロ Tripped on LSD inside the Kenneth?
- ロ Drank 14 beers and drove while listening to “God’s Plan”?
- ロ Done a drug stronger than children’s advil?
- ロ Got caught using ChatGPT and sent to prison?
- ロ Urinated (on an innocent bystander)?
- ロ Gone skinny-dipping in the Dalplex?
- ロ Made eye contact with a stranger in the club for at least four consecutive seconds?
- ロ Seen your professor on a date that they are clearly bombing?
- ロ Had Shrex (aka sex while watching one of the four released Shrek films)?
- ロ Had Shrex at a sleepover while trying not to alert any third parties?
- ロ Bounced on it with at least a level four intensity?
- ロ Received top while driving a Halifax transit vehicle and running a red light?
- ロ Got gross at the Halifax Public Gardens?
- ロ Got even grosser in the Goldberg?
- ロ Had coitus in the Dalplex pool?
- ロ Had “relations” with your purchase at the poster fair?
- ロ Snow-balled during the first snow of the year?
- ロ French-exited?
- ロ ?
- ロ Filmed a financially successful sex-tape?
- ロ Performed vampiric activities?
- ロ Had a hands-free colonoscopy?
- ロ Had a threesome?
- ロ Had a foursome?
- ロ Had a fivesome?
- ロ Had a fivesome downgraded to a onesome after having four people cancel?
- ロ Had a pregnancy scare?
- ロ Had a kid that you left in a McDonald’s Playplace?
- ロ Got/gave backshots inside a government building?
- ロ Made your textbook money by prostituting yourself?
- ロ Sinned with a sworn-celibate nun?
- ロ Helped out step-sibling that was stuck in the dryer?
- ロ Helped out the family dog that was stuck in the dryer?
- ロ Peeped with Tom?
- ロ Peeped on by Tom?
- ロ Eaten a honey-ham sandwich, no crust?
- ロ Had the police called on you?
- ロ Ran from the police?
- ロ Drove away from the police?
- ロ Drove away from the police in a white 1993 Ford Bronco?
- ロ Drove away from the police in a low-speed chase on the I-405?
- ロ Had the police handcuff you (kinky or otherwise)?
- ロ Had the police question you?
- ロ Had the police question you about the recent death of your ex-wife and her friend?
- ロ Been arrested?
- ロ Been arrested with a loaded gun, $8,000, and a fake goatee on your person?
- ロ Pleaded not guilty on two accounts of murder?
- ロ Had your trial overshadow your football career?
- ロ Somehow beat the case?
- ロ Your legal name is Orenthal James Simpson?
By Jake Waldner