HALIFAX, NS—Bianca Fironia was found in a heap in the residence bathroom after she discovered that her spotify wrapped did not contain one mention of Phoebe Bridgers.
“Now all my friends think I’m just a regular girl, when I’m actually an alt-emo kid at heart,” muttered Fironia through muffled tears.
Fironia says that she blames herself for listening to too much Ed Sheeran.
“I don’t want people to think of me that way, I mean Ed Sheeran is a fine singer but all my friends were in the top 0.005% of Phoebe’s listeners,” said Fironia.
When asked if she even liked Phoebe Bridgers, Fironia listed her two biggest hits as being the reason she likes music. When asked to sing the chorus to one of them, Fironia could only remember the words to “Shape of You”.