An exclusive interview with Chudley Chulkins
HALIFAX, NS – Like many students, I wasn’t always aware of the impact Dr. Saini had on campus until the past year or so. Sure, I saw his name on emails and articles alike, but I never really understood what he was all about. In this way he was similar to the parts of the animal that go into a hotdog, or the clitoris. Of course, this has especially changed in the recent months. Regardless where you stand amidst the controversies, I think everyone can agree that he has captured the bleeding hearts and minds of the student body. I wanted to cut through all the heated words that surround our president and learn who the real Dr. Saini was, so I went looking for answers. He was gracious enough to grant me an interview during the early days of autumn at his lofty estate, along the outskirts of campus. At first, I walked past the fountain statue of Dr. Saini shirtless, standing atop a union organizer. I thought about how someone might write off the president as self-centered, but I decided to save my judgments until after we met.
I was surprised to see that he was the one to answer the door. “You the doordash guy?” asked Saini. After explaining who I was, he seemed to remember he was president and offered to give a tour. The first stop was his kitchen and, despite looking like it cost the down payment of a house, the shining gem was his air fryer — which he talked about in great detail.
“So you can pretty much throw anything in there and it’ll cook it. Chicken, fish, I saw a recipe for apple fritters once — it’s crazy. The maids use it more than the oven at this point. So what did you wanna talk about again? The TA strike? Sure, whatever.”
We were headed for his office when he realized he forgot the centerpiece of the tour lay in his backyard, so we made a detour to view it. Dr. Saini could tell my expectations had been blown out of the water by the look on my face. “See what raising the tuition is good for?” — it was hard not to. In the backyard of Deep Saini’s house lies a commercial airliner made entirely out of solid gold. That’s not hyperbole folks, even the inside was handcrafted with gold. Dr. Saini explained that it serves as a decoration, but the engines are still functional. “Sometimes it’s just fun to leave it running while I go to work, pump some CO2 into the air — you get it.”
After the impressive display, we arrived at his office. I had feared that the entire reason behind the tour was to avoid actually answering my questions. But, once we settled in he was surprisingly open about basically anything. “You know how much I make in a year? It’s like, a billion dollars or something. It’d be a waste if I didn’t spend the whole paycheck.” Dr. Saini then proceeded to retrieve a cigar from his jacket pocket, light it with a flaming roll of hundred dollar bills, and pull the entire thing in one drag.
I quickly learned there was more to the president than met the eye. “It’s hard being president. Seriously. I used to be able to hotbox the McDonald’s bathroom in between meetings. You can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. They’ve got passcodes on the doors.”
After a long, candid discussion, President Saini grew tired. As is customary, he pulled a large lever next to his desk, opening a trap door, and plunging me into freefall. I emerged back into the outside world, uncertain if what had just happened was really a dream.
After interviewing our president, I couldn’t believe that such an influential figure had flown under the radar for so long. Finally, a man who will make the decisions that others are too afraid to make. There are thousands of philanthropists out there, but at the end of the day, someone has to own the world’s largest solid gold jet. Dalhousie does not yet realize the loss incurred by Saini’s imminent departure. We may take comfort in his incredible legacy, marked by two incredible seasons of ‘Deep Dive with Deep Saini’ (available on Spotify, Apple Music, or where ever you get your podcasts) and the eternal hatred in students’, TAs’, faculty members’, parents’, community members’, Waye Mason’s, The Dal Tiger’s, and soon to be Montrealers’ hearts. He will be remembered fondly by oil executives, Halifax tailors who specialize in making fitted suits for those under 5’ 8”, and me — his now biggest fan.
Goodbye Deep, I will remember our tender farewell kiss for years to come.
Chudley Chulkins, three time Pulitzer Prize winner
Concept by Derek Bartlett