HALIFAX, N.S. — Dalhousie University’s department of efficiency has made the executive decision to convert the beloved yet controversial student residence, Howe Hall, into a new uranium extraction site, according to an unnamed board member.
There have been investigations taking place within Howe Hall’s cafeteria and kitchen, according to the board member. The investigations revealed elevated levels of alpha-particle radiation, raising suspicions of high concentrations of the rare element uranium-238. Despite recent surveying and geological extractions in Howe Hall, regular meal times continue. Supporting evidence for suspicions of uranium beneath Howe Hall’s floors includes the dorm’s above-average student mutation reports and a consistently high rate of spontaneous cancerous cell growth, which is recorded each semester. These numbers were over twofold the averages reported from neighbouring residences.
The abundant isotope of uranium, known as depleted uranium, U-238, has a low probability of spontaneous fission and has been officially deemed “safe to mine from university dorm buildings” by Dalhousie’s safety board following its discovery beneath Howe Hall.
The rarity of this element makes it an extremely lucrative venture — far more profitable than “hosting ungrateful freshmen,” claims Dal’s chair of finance.
Given the ongoing health code violations in the Howe Hall kitchen, there’s little red tape, bureaucratic hassle or additional unethical decision-making required before breaking ground.
“We’re already in this deep; we might as well make a real profit off it. All we have to do is get the students to sign a few waivers and NDAs,” said board member Daniel Sanchez. ”As long as we keep up the ‘freshman 15’ standard, nobody gives a sh*t.”
The current five-year vision released by Dalhousie’s efficiency department, which has been endorsed by Kim Brooks, outlines plans to continue with regular housing and meal-time schemes in Howe Hall.
There will be no changes to the student residence experience during the excavation process. Safety measures include a generous increase to the “caution-tape budget,” along with whimsical, light-hearted flyers reminding students to wear extra sunscreen if they walk near or remain close to the entrance of the pit.
Several strategic locations have been suggested for the new uranium mine entrance. Some of the most promising ideas received include: Fountain House ground-floor entrance, Fountain House ground-floor bathroom and simply Fountain House entirely.
To further capitalize on this anomaly, Dalhousie plans to seize the tourist revenue and publicity that this revolutionary process will entail. The university aims to market this addition to Howe Hall as the first independent, university-owned and operated uranium exhumation zone.
Future plans include the privatization of the uranium enrichment process, allowing Dalhousie to play the role of “uranium broker” in the sale process.
“Don’t worry about any unethical sales,” said an anonymous member of the Dalhousie advisory board before walking away.
The Mackerel contacted an additional member of the board during a visit to “receive his birthday cheque” from his elderly mother at Victoria General Hospital. When asked about the unethical sales of the enriched uranium, he responded, “Of course, for the right price, a pre-approved list of foreign nations, independent organizations and a select few ‘freedom-fighting groups’ could be interesting prospective buyers,” said the board member. “You see kid, it’s all about turning a quick profit. Either we sell uranium to anonymous bidders, or we charge an hourly study-fee in Killam Library … the ball’s in your court.”
When asked who pre-approved the list of potential clients, the board member responded “whoever won shuffleboard at the Dalhousie board of directors game night … now run along.”
To maintain an academic facade for government funding, the project will be directed and managed in a “team-project” style by civil engineering undergraduates.
Additionally, an exciting new co-op opportunity has emerged — discussions are underway to introduce an unpaid internship for hands-on excavation and inter-mine labour, creating fresh opportunities for young, ambitious and increasingly desperate students.
By Graydon German