With hundreds of students being rejected from Dalhousie residences due to Covid-19 backlogs, an online alternative is being offered for the 2021/2022 school year.
A spokesperson for “Res-Online” spoke to The Mackerel, stating “We are very excited for students to be able to access the excitement of residence from their computers!” adding “Our offerings can simulate the feeling of vomiting in a Howe Hall bathroom with up to 80% accuracy!”. The online experience is more than just a video game- included in the package are three bland, lukewarm meals delivered to your home daily, as well as a service to allow for speakers outside of your room to blast rap music at odd hours of the morning.
“Destruction is what we found the most difficult to emulate” said the Res-Online representative, “however, we’ve reached a deal with Home Depot to send weekly deliveries of ceiling tile to subscribers to break up and sprinkle in their hallways”.
Participants are encouraged to turn off all heaters in their homes and wear sandals in the shower to allow for the experience to be as true to life as possible.