HALIFAX, N.S. – The Dalhousie Student Union has once again tallied the votes on their annual campus building survey, and write-in candidate, the Goldberg Computer Science Building, has once again won the category for “sexiest.” The uninitiated might be confused about the hype, however the building has amassed quite the cult-following in recent years. There are many instagram fan pages dedicated to it; The Mackerel reached out to the admin of one of those pages (@goldbergsyandere), a second-year general science student Nancy Gilani, for additional insight into its fandom.
Despite not being a computer science student, Gilani’s affection for the building cannot be overstated.
“Mr. Goldy is the closest thing I have to a trustworthy male figure in my life,” Gilani says, “the exterior is just so sleek and mysterious; it’s giving nonchalant!”
She gave our interviewer a full tour of the building, which included “all of the little secrets that only [Gilani] know[s],”
This tour began with the supply closet, where witnesses observed Gilani taking anything that wasn’t physically locked up. “Goldicakes is such a provider for me, he’s a real Christian Grey!” Gilani said, while stealing a whole printer’s worth of paper.
“The building just has such a particular aura about it, the quality of the construction is juxtaposed by the smell of the students; it’s a real bad boy vibe!” says Gilani, giggling to herself, “but it’s right next to the secret community garden, which shows his softer side. He can still be the type of boy that you could bring home to your mother.”
Our interviewer did not see the appeal of Goldberg after Gilani’s tour. He claimed to be more confused by subtle details like the barbeque under the stairwell, the blatant mice infestation, and ‘help me’ scribbled in chalk on the stairs between level 1 and 2 contributed to the overall sexiness. Overall, the time spent with Gilani took a toll on him. Somewhere between being told the downstairs bathroom was the “primo hookup spot” and seeing someone using the elevator barefoot, he snapped and called for an emergency meeting with the editor-in-chief regarding his future with our organization, offering the following statement: “Is this really worth the footnote it’s going to make in my grad school application? Why am I always assigned to writing about crazy people? I can’t do this anymore.”
After a heart-wrenching exchange, the interviewer in question has requested to have his name and involvement pulled from the article, following his formal resignation from the Mackerel. Farewell, [REDACTED].
By Jake Waldner